Phase 1 1. Open a chain of pirate themed family restaurants. 2. Create novelty napkins featuring a treasure map for pirate themed family restaurant. 3. Bury treasure in accordance with said novelty napkin map. 4. Wait for someone to come looking for the treasure. 5. Abduct them. 6. Repeat steps 4 & 5 until local folklore or media frenzy is created. 7. Change treasure map napkin in a slight way, that only conspiracy theory weirdos would notice. (Or, create a new napkin designed in such a way that if you align it with the original napkin and then do a MAD magazine style fold it makes a whole new map) 8. Bury treasure in accordance with new novelty napkin map along with a note reading, “the victims are in the chicken” -Lee Harvey Oswald 9. With the media circus successfully distracted, convert all abductees from steps four and five into blood-thirsty pirates. 10. Along with blood-thirsty pirate crew, commandeer several “Ride the Ducks” tourism crafts. 11. Temporarily satiate pirate crew’s thirst for blood with tour guide body fluids. 12. Using the fleet of stolen duck trucks, storm the Governor’s mansion. 13. Demand the Poet Laureate laurel wreath. Note how thirsty your pirate crew appears, then wink at the Governor. (note: If wearing an eye patch, make sure you lift it up when you wink so the Governor knows you’re not just blinking weirdly) 14. Lock eyes with the Governor’s daughter. 15. Glisten 16. Fall in love with the Governor’s daughter. 17. Crown secured, contact your business card guy. See if he can add “pirate king” to recent order of “Eric Wong – Poet Laureate/Comedian” business cards. 18. Publicly declare self “Poet Laureate/Pirate King/Comedian.” Show any nay-sayers some very official looking business cards. 19. While searching for stow-sways, find Governor’s daughter in a barrel of duck whistles. 20. Make her your pirate queen. 21. After a long, swashbuckling career and tiring of a life at sea, fake death via self-incited mutiny. 22. Escape with the pirate queen, using a life raft made from the same barrel of duck whistles you found her in. 23. During the long journey back to shore, realize that the raft cannot maintain both of your weight, and allow pirate queen to wade in the water, sacrificing herself for your survival. 24. Years later, recover the nude painting she did of you from a sunken duck boat. 25. Recount your tales to archeologists in painstaking, irrelevant detail that even archeologists can’t really be bothered with. 26. For no reason at all, cast priceless diamond into the sea. 27. Die. ** Maybe “Write better poetry” should be a step… nah
“Find Governor’s daughter in a barrel of duck whistles?” Oh, please. Such an overused plot point. ;>) Grinning till my face hurts.
Totally unrelated, but I’mma bug you about it anyway. I have a San Francisco question and I can’t think of anyone else to ask because everyone I know who lived there moved away years ago. And, at any rate, all but one of them probably can’t help me. The one who probably could is like…it’s this whole messed up thing, but just in case you find yourself in this situation: don’t wait 3 years to bone the person you’re gonna be in love with ’til the day you die because the sex will be terrible. And you’ll both acknowledge it and it’ll be depressing as hell and also your birthday.
ANYWAY, can I shoot you an email? Or you send me one (my email should be visible on my gravatar)? Is that a thing we can do or is it weird? I’m not gonna track you down or anything. I’m gonna be sorta busy accidentally running into John Vanderslice. But feel free to decline, obviously. Stranger danger, such and such. Lemme know.
Regardless, congrats on your recent accolades ‘n shit. Pretty nifty.
-LB
Love this!!!
Well this has been my introduction to your blog… thanks for that! 😉
Best thing I’ve read all day. Literally made my day better. 🙂
Hilarious! But if you are going to glisten, you should do so while staring intently through a heavy build-up of black eyeliner. Apparently, eyeliner is an important element of the pirate beauty regime. But I’m sure you can pull it off. It will look fabulous with the laurel wreath thingie.
1) You liked my post
2) I came to check in on your blog
3) I read this post
4) I started laughing uncontrollably.
5) I read this post again
6) I proceeded to laugh uncontrollably again
7) Got stuck in an infinite loop of uncontrollable laughter that I broke out of simply to write this comment.
Brilliantly funny! X
You gave me such much needed hilarity tonight. Thank you. Thanks, too, for liking a post I made. And now…back to grinding out my the thesis.
Good luck to you and thank you as well
Seems legit………….. seriously laughing my ass off. Thanks for coming over to “Stories” and reading me as well. I’ll definitely be back. Good stuff. 🙂
You make a witty, fine and dandy, napkin-toting, duck whistle fantasizing pirate, Eric! Haha! Thank you for visiting my post, and I thoroughly enjoyed this introductory piece to your blog! Looking forward to more of your adventures – I hope that Governor’s daughter/pirate queen thing works out for you. 🙂
This is awesome. ✌🏻️
I think I know now why success has eluded me … I never had a backup plan.
This is fantastic! Also pirates are always great.
Oh my what a hoot – really do I have to go back to real life editing (they are dragging me off the comment box. where are the napkin pirates when you need them?)
I still don’t understand how Mr Oswald manage to fit all the victims inside the chicken. Surely the chicken would have noticed?
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That was fantastic
Exactly the type of New Yorker style comedy I have been into lately. Thanks for finding me so that I could find you.
This is literally the best backup plan I’ve ever read. My hat is off to you, sir.
This was hilarious.
And this is only Phase 1…
I’ll play tour guide and offer up my body fluids on the ride-the-ducks tourism craft! Howling at this arrrrrrrangement of yours! Thanks!
How synchronous I received this today on ArtBeat: http://cac.us1.list-manage.com/track/click?u=4d4fe0fc41&id=9f29fc1a26&e=b1f0c61049
That was excellent. Thanks for bringing a laugh to my day!
That was hilarious lol. Hey I thought I was following you – have you just not recently posted or am I going to have to spank a couple WP crew?? I love love LOVE your blog xo. 🙂
You have great sense of humor! Thanks for the laughs!
Blood-thirsty pirates? Can I be the blood-thristy serial-killer pirate-wench?
Yes. Yes, you can.
Reblogged this on College; from my point of view. and commented:
He is too funny