Plan for if this whole “Poet Laureate/Comedian” thing doesn’t pan out

Phase 1 1. Open a chain of pirate themed family restaurants. 2. Create novelty napkins featuring a treasure map for pirate themed family restaurant. 3. Bury treasure in accordance with said novelty napkin map. 4. Wait for someone to come looking for the treasure. 5. Abduct them. 6. Repeat steps 4 & 5 until local folklore or media frenzy is created. 7. Change treasure map napkin in a slight way, that only conspiracy theory weirdos would notice. (Or, create a new napkin designed in such a way that if you align it with the original napkin and then do a MAD magazine style fold it makes a whole new map) 8. Bury treasure in accordance with new novelty napkin map along with a note reading, “the victims are in the chicken” -Lee Harvey Oswald 9. With the media circus successfully distracted, convert all abductees from steps four and five into blood-thirsty pirates. 10. Along with blood-thirsty pirate crew, commandeer several “Ride the Ducks” tourism crafts. 11. Temporarily satiate pirate crew’s thirst for blood with tour guide body fluids. 12. Using the fleet of stolen duck trucks, storm the Governor’s mansion. 13. Demand the Poet Laureate laurel wreath. Note how  thirsty your pirate crew appears, then wink at the Governor. (note: If wearing an eye patch, make sure you lift it up when you wink so the Governor knows you’re not just blinking weirdly) 14. Lock eyes with the Governor’s daughter. 15. Glisten 16. Fall in love with the Governor’s daughter. 17. Crown secured, contact your business card guy. See if he can add “pirate king” to recent order of “Eric Wong – Poet Laureate/Comedian” business cards. 18. Publicly declare self “Poet Laureate/Pirate King/Comedian.” Show any nay-sayers some very official looking business cards. 19. While searching for stow-sways, find Governor’s daughter in a barrel of duck whistles. 20. Make her your pirate queen. 21. After a long, swashbuckling career and tiring of a life at sea, fake death via self-incited mutiny. 22. Escape with the pirate queen, using a life raft made from the same barrel of duck whistles you found her in. 23. During the long journey back to shore, realize that the raft cannot maintain both of your weight, and allow pirate queen to wade in the water, sacrificing herself for your survival. 24. Years later, recover the nude painting she did of you from a sunken duck boat. 25. Recount your tales to archeologists in painstaking, irrelevant detail that even archeologists can’t really be bothered with. 26. For no reason at all, cast priceless diamond into the sea. 27. Die. ** Maybe “Write better poetry” should be a step… nah

89 thoughts on “Plan for if this whole “Poet Laureate/Comedian” thing doesn’t pan out

  1. Totally unrelated, but I’mma bug you about it anyway. I have a San Francisco question and I can’t think of anyone else to ask because everyone I know who lived there moved away years ago. And, at any rate, all but one of them probably can’t help me. The one who probably could is like…it’s this whole messed up thing, but just in case you find yourself in this situation: don’t wait 3 years to bone the person you’re gonna be in love with ’til the day you die because the sex will be terrible. And you’ll both acknowledge it and it’ll be depressing as hell and also your birthday.

    ANYWAY, can I shoot you an email? Or you send me one (my email should be visible on my gravatar)? Is that a thing we can do or is it weird? I’m not gonna track you down or anything. I’m gonna be sorta busy accidentally running into John Vanderslice. But feel free to decline, obviously. Stranger danger, such and such. Lemme know.

    Regardless, congrats on your recent accolades ‘n shit. Pretty nifty.


  2. Hilarious! But if you are going to glisten, you should do so while staring intently through a heavy build-up of black eyeliner. Apparently, eyeliner is an important element of the pirate beauty regime. But I’m sure you can pull it off. It will look fabulous with the laurel wreath thingie.

  3. 1) You liked my post
    2) I came to check in on your blog
    3) I read this post
    4) I started laughing uncontrollably.
    5) I read this post again
    6) I proceeded to laugh uncontrollably again
    7) Got stuck in an infinite loop of uncontrollable laughter that I broke out of simply to write this comment.

  4. You gave me such much needed hilarity tonight. Thank you. Thanks, too, for liking a post I made. And now…back to grinding out my the thesis.

  5. You make a witty, fine and dandy, napkin-toting, duck whistle fantasizing pirate, Eric! Haha! Thank you for visiting my post, and I thoroughly enjoyed this introductory piece to your blog! Looking forward to more of your adventures – I hope that Governor’s daughter/pirate queen thing works out for you. 🙂

  6. Pingback: Thank You for Visiting Friday (That’s a Thing) | She Reads, She Writes

  7. I’ll play tour guide and offer up my body fluids on the ride-the-ducks tourism craft! Howling at this arrrrrrrangement of yours! Thanks!

  8. That was hilarious lol. Hey I thought I was following you – have you just not recently posted or am I going to have to spank a couple WP crew?? I love love LOVE your blog xo. 🙂

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