life lessons

Here’s how you end global warming through charitable efforts

1. Host a bike marathon charity fundraiser for a green initiativethat ends with the cyclists leaping off a ramp through a blazing ring of fire.
2. Replace pre-victory Gatorade Dixie cups with red cups of gasoline.
3. As the bikers cross the finish line,the spandex outfits with fake sponsors

   will catch fire, and melt into the cyclists’ skin,

   grafting them to the bike permanently

   so they can forever clog up the roads

   and make it impossible for cars to participate in the human miracle

   of the combustion engine.

So do you see how

in the end,

setting fire to fossil fuels

in the immediate proximity of eco-activists

wearing sports equipment made from an oil bi-product

turns out to be the answer to climate change after all?

That’s how that saying

“hair of the dog that bit you” works.

Cool, huh?

Okay, son,

Daddy’s gonna get another beer.

Get dressed, and I’ll drive you to school.

**

Two things, three titles

Although forever unknown

I wouldn’t be all that surprised
if the guy who invented chess
had a horse with ADHD
who was very easily distracted
& would make really abrupt ninety degree turns
every third step or so.

**

The Impasse

“No, Officer

I don’t have a handicap placard per say,
but I did get these jeans at a discount for being irregular,
and they fit perfectly,

So… I’m not paying this ticket.”

the hovercraft of armament

Harpoons work wonders on land, too.
They needn’t be constricted to the sea.

A shotgun wedding is one thing,
but with a harpoon wedding,
you can be sure

he ain’t goin’ nowhere

The double feature

Mission accomplished

The main difference
between predator drones
and commercial airplanes
is the number of people involved in the flight,
and how those people react
when they hear the cries and screams
of little foreign babies.

*

True story

My grandmother does things her own way.
She doesn’t pull weeds, or use weed killer
instead, she lays spare lumber on top of them
until they wither and die.
It’s eco friendly,
it’s not labor intensive
& at the end of the day, no one wants to question
a ninety year old Chinese woman who
this morning
smothered some dandelions with a door.

Inner peace

A good strategy for dealing with your enemies and cultivating inner peace is to forgive and forget.

Commonly, I call upon my enemies and forgive them of their crimes against me.
We gather, get merrily drunk,
I forget that I forgave them,
& then I shoot them in the leg.

Forgiveness really brings their defenses down.
Shooting them in the leg brings down everything else.

**

There is a new section of the Detective’s Log up. Thank you for being understanding with the holiday delay.

-E.I

Follow the red light

A laser sight makes murder too easy.
You could be the worst sniper in the world
use the laser sight
& kill a whole lot of cats.

*

The JFK assassination would have played out a lot differently
if we elected cats to the presidency.

You’d watch the Zapurruder film
& after the first shot
John Furry Kittendy Jr.
would see the laser
& bat the back of the Texas Governpurr’s hat.

At the end
Jackie Meowcatsus
would still climb out the back
to get scraps of skull and brain,
but to eat them.

***

I promise I will never make another cat pun for the rest of my writing career.

E.I

Vegan relativity

I want to stop animal cruelty and be kinder to our fellow creatures,
But that’s a lot of work,
So I’m just meaner to people instead.