Coronavirus Lockdown Diary – Day 3

WE NEED MORE BEANS.

 

These are the thoughts that repeat over and over

despite my girlfriend reminding me

we have a ten-pound bag of beans.

 

But what if there are no more beans, sweetie?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

What if this is the end of beans?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

 

I’ve touched my face nine hundred thousand times.

 

In the name of conservation, I’ve eaten leftovers that will likely send me to the hospital

which is all kinds of stupid, but the leftovers have beans in them

and I’m not wasting any goddamn beans.

 

This is why everyone is hoarding toilet paper…

Bad beans.

**

I’ve just realized that there’s a little emoji robot

analyzing my tone and presenting me with an AI mood ring glimpse into my day.

(Just installed Grammarly)

It says my tone is

Disapproving

Sad

and Confused.

 

Touche, robot.

**

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make a quarantini*

and start an indoor bean farm.

 

*  a quarantini is a regular martini but served with black olives because all you thought to buy at the store were black olives and now there are no more olives.

Oh God, we need more olives.

 

“Oh my Christian God, I’ve got it!”

I’m illustrating an educational cartoon
Just like the Isaac Newton apple/gravity fable
Except instead of Newton
It’s an ISIS child soldier,
A drone strike replaces the apple
& instead of the theory of gravity
The baby embraces secular representative government
& petrodollar based capitalism.

Batman v Progressivism

While it may seem like crooks run the world

a gentle stream of justice shall flow through Gotham

Once Batman gets a sweet, juicy tax cut;

because nothing deters crime

like blingier batarangs

& an increased susceptibility to medical bankruptcy.

 

 

Pimp your LinkedIn/This Picnic is Filth

I’m a volunteer

anonymous life-coach

 

although I’d like to see myself

as the Gordon Ramsay

of volunteer anonymous life-coaches

 

who works primarily with small children, the elderly

or any other park-goer off put by a clown

in full military camouflage

 

& there are nine of us in the camouflage

 

but I’m the Gordon Ramsay.

My, what big wrists you have

Bannon: The Trump Presidency we fought for is DEAD

***one day later***

Trump: Thank you for protesting bigotry and hate!

 

 

It was then I felt

a great erection in the Universe

as if millions of haters cried out, “#WAR”

& were suddenly silenced by Facebook, Google, GoDaddy, Twitter, MSM, BLM, Muslims, Jews,  LGBTQs, Women, Latinos, Democrats, Republicans, Boston, The Pope, General Kelly, Heather Heyer and the sounds of their mothers saying their Meatball & Mozzarella LeanPockets were finished microwaving.

So yeah, global conspiracy confirmed

***

This piece is dedicated to Sir Richard Claxton Gregory – A true Knight of this Old Republic

Optimism

Wouldn’t it be wonderful
if Democrats and Republicans
set aside their differences
& came together under one roof

& then, due to decades
of neglectful infrastructure funding policy,
erosion collapsed that roof?

phrases

“Give a man a fish

& you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish

& you feed him for a lifetime.”

-Lao Tzu

 

“Give a man a fish

& you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish

& you feed him for a lifetime,

so clearly we need to stop teaching people how to fish.”

-leaked transcript of Lao Tzu’s paid speeches to Big Fish