“Oh my Christian God, I’ve got it!”

I’m illustrating an educational cartoon
Just like the Isaac Newton apple/gravity fable
Except instead of Newton
It’s an ISIS child soldier,
A drone strike replaces the apple
& instead of the theory of gravity
The baby embraces secular representative government
& petrodollar based capitalism.

Batman v Progressivism

While it may seem like crooks run the world

a gentle stream of justice shall flow through Gotham

Once Batman gets a sweet, juicy tax cut;

because nothing deters crime

like blingier batarangs

& an increased susceptibility to medical bankruptcy.

 

 

Pimp your LinkedIn/This Picnic is Filth

I’m a volunteer

anonymous life-coach

 

although I’d like to see myself

as the Gordon Ramsay

of volunteer anonymous life-coaches

 

who works primarily with small children, the elderly

or any other park-goer off put by a clown

in full military camouflage

 

& there are nine of us in the camouflage

 

but I’m the Gordon Ramsay.

My, what big wrists you have

Bannon: The Trump Presidency we fought for is DEAD

***one day later***

Trump: Thank you for protesting bigotry and hate!

 

 

It was then I felt

a great erection in the Universe

as if millions of haters cried out, “#WAR”

& were suddenly silenced by Facebook, Google, GoDaddy, Twitter, MSM, BLM, Muslims, Jews,  LGBTQs, Women, Latinos, Democrats, Republicans, Boston, The Pope, General Kelly, Heather Heyer and the sounds of their mothers saying their Meatball & Mozzarella LeanPockets were finished microwaving.

So yeah, global conspiracy confirmed

***

This piece is dedicated to Sir Richard Claxton Gregory – A true Knight of this Old Republic

Optimism

Wouldn’t it be wonderful
if Democrats and Republicans
set aside their differences
& came together under one roof

& then, due to decades
of neglectful infrastructure funding policy,
erosion collapsed that roof?

phrases

“Give a man a fish

& you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish

& you feed him for a lifetime.”

-Lao Tzu

 

“Give a man a fish

& you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish

& you feed him for a lifetime,

so clearly we need to stop teaching people how to fish.”

-leaked transcript of Lao Tzu’s paid speeches to Big Fish

 

 

 

 

 

the metrics of bacon

In the United States

it’s harder to bring home bacon today

than in the worst year of The Great Depression.

 

 

The US instituted the minimum wage in 1933

at twenty-five cents an hour,

or about $4.25 in today’s money.

 

 

Even though two dollars a day might not seem like much,

bacon was only eleven cents a pound at the time.

 

 

Working for one hour at the minimum wage in 1933

would have yielded approximately two and a half pounds of bacon

for you, your spouse and two and a half children.

 

 

You used to have three kids,

but times were really tough.

 

Today,

the United States minimum wage is $7.25

with the price of bacon over $5.00 per pound.

That means you, your spouse and 1.75 children

can only afford a pound and a bit

for that same hour’s labor.

To clarify, in this scenario

there are still three children,

but everyone is missing parts equally

because you’re a good parent.

They’re all living happily on government disability programs

with the missus always on the lookout

for cute little mom & pop shops, or small businesses

without wheelchair ramps

to sue

because again,

we are Americans in this scenario.

 

Even if socialist Bernie Sanders got his proposed $15 dollars an hour

which would bring the bacon ratio back to Depression era levels,

any difference would be squelched by higher taxes

so you can have free health care

where the doctor

practicing preventative medicine

advises that to avoid heart disease

you should cut back on bacon.

Touche, Dr. President Sanders.