The dying days of passive racism

My grandfather grew up in a village in China with no running water,

where families had to slaughter their own livestock,

there was only one telephone for the whole town

and no one ever got caught cheating

because everyone looked the same.


Wait, so you mean to tell me

there can be a Lady Footlocker

in every mall in America,

but you try to open one “Gap for Blacks”

& all of a sudden I’m the bad guy?


All of your complaints to any of this content are all completely valid. Your social outrage is noted and I would like to personally thank you for taking up responsibility in defending your fellow Earthlings.   – E.I.

The ladies love a charitable guy

I’ve been spending a lot of time

working on an STD awareness campaign

targeted specifically at former lovers…


This piece was curated with the begrudging consent of my real life girlfriend, who insists I clearly state that we are very safe and that she is “immaculate down there.”

We’re all the same

I can empathize with creationists.
It must be infuriating
when evolutionist heathens
throw ideologies in your face,
maddening to the point
where you want to crap in your own hand
& hurl it right back.

But you repress that urge
because you’re more evolved than that.
You’re no barbaric monkey.

Yet deep down,
you still feel that base, sinister, fecal flinging instinct,
on some primitive level
almost as if you had a common ancestor or something…

Three from the b-sides

Just because you make an organic version of something

doesn’t mean it is necessarily “sustainable,”

for instance whack-a-mole.



If these walls could talk

hanging art

would involve a lot of baffled screaming.




I wanted to go cow tipping,

but I dunno, what do you tip a cow?