Plan for if this whole “Poet Laureate/Comedian” thing doesn’t pan out

Phase 1 1. Open a chain of pirate themed family restaurants. 2. Create novelty napkins featuring a treasure map for pirate themed family restaurant. 3. Bury treasure in accordance with said novelty napkin map. 4. Wait for someone to come looking for the treasure. 5. Abduct them. 6. Repeat steps 4 & 5 until local folklore or media frenzy is created. 7. Change treasure map napkin in a slight way, that only conspiracy theory weirdos would notice. (Or, create a new napkin designed in such a way that if you align it with the original napkin and then do a MAD magazine style fold it makes a whole new map) 8. Bury treasure in accordance with new novelty napkin map along with a note reading, “the victims are in the chicken” -Lee Harvey Oswald 9. With the media circus successfully distracted, convert all abductees from steps four and five into blood-thirsty pirates. 10. Along with blood-thirsty pirate crew, commandeer several “Ride the Ducks” tourism crafts. 11. Temporarily satiate pirate crew’s thirst for blood with tour guide body fluids. 12. Using the fleet of stolen duck trucks, storm the Governor’s mansion. 13. Demand the Poet Laureate laurel wreath. Note how  thirsty your pirate crew appears, then wink at the Governor. (note: If wearing an eye patch, make sure you lift it up when you wink so the Governor knows you’re not just blinking weirdly) 14. Lock eyes with the Governor’s daughter. 15. Glisten 16. Fall in love with the Governor’s daughter. 17. Crown secured, contact your business card guy. See if he can add “pirate king” to recent order of “Eric Wong – Poet Laureate/Comedian” business cards. 18. Publicly declare self “Poet Laureate/Pirate King/Comedian.” Show any nay-sayers some very official looking business cards. 19. While searching for stow-sways, find Governor’s daughter in a barrel of duck whistles. 20. Make her your pirate queen. 21. After a long, swashbuckling career and tiring of a life at sea, fake death via self-incited mutiny. 22. Escape with the pirate queen, using a life raft made from the same barrel of duck whistles you found her in. 23. During the long journey back to shore, realize that the raft cannot maintain both of your weight, and allow pirate queen to wade in the water, sacrificing herself for your survival. 24. Years later, recover the nude painting she did of you from a sunken duck boat. 25. Recount your tales to archeologists in painstaking, irrelevant detail that even archeologists can’t really be bothered with. 26. For no reason at all, cast priceless diamond into the sea. 27. Die. ** Maybe “Write better poetry” should be a step… nah

5 Famous Quotes That History Forgot

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1. “Fuck.” -George W. Bush, 9/11/2001

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2. “Well, that should screw with them for a while…” -TS Eliot, 1922

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3. “AAAAAAAHHHHHH” -Jesus of Nazareth

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4. “I bet you can’t touch your tongue with your nose.” -Billy Ray Cyrus at Hannah Montana wrap party.

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5. “HELP! THE CHAIR COMPUTER HAS BECOME SENTIENT AND IS SPEAKING FOR ME!” – Steven Hawking, inner dialogue, 1995