Phase 1 1. Open a chain of pirate themed family restaurants. 2. Create novelty napkins featuring a treasure map for pirate themed family restaurant. 3. Bury treasure in accordance with said novelty napkin map. 4. Wait for someone to come looking for the treasure. 5. Abduct them. 6. Repeat steps 4 & 5 until local folklore or media frenzy is created. 7. Change treasure map napkin in a slight way, that only conspiracy theory weirdos would notice. (Or, create a new napkin designed in such a way that if you align it with the original napkin and then do a MAD magazine style fold it makes a whole new map) 8. Bury treasure in accordance with new novelty napkin map along with a note reading, “the victims are in the chicken” -Lee Harvey Oswald 9. With the media circus successfully distracted, convert all abductees from steps four and five into blood-thirsty pirates. 10. Along with blood-thirsty pirate crew, commandeer several “Ride the Ducks” tourism crafts. 11. Temporarily satiate pirate crew’s thirst for blood with tour guide body fluids. 12. Using the fleet of stolen duck trucks, storm the Governor’s mansion. 13. Demand the Poet Laureate laurel wreath. Note how thirsty your pirate crew appears, then wink at the Governor. (note: If wearing an eye patch, make sure you lift it up when you wink so the Governor knows you’re not just blinking weirdly) 14. Lock eyes with the Governor’s daughter. 15. Glisten 16. Fall in love with the Governor’s daughter. 17. Crown secured, contact your business card guy. See if he can add “pirate king” to recent order of “Eric Wong – Poet Laureate/Comedian” business cards. 18. Publicly declare self “Poet Laureate/Pirate King/Comedian.” Show any nay-sayers some very official looking business cards. 19. While searching for stow-sways, find Governor’s daughter in a barrel of duck whistles. 20. Make her your pirate queen. 21. After a long, swashbuckling career and tiring of a life at sea, fake death via self-incited mutiny. 22. Escape with the pirate queen, using a life raft made from the same barrel of duck whistles you found her in. 23. During the long journey back to shore, realize that the raft cannot maintain both of your weight, and allow pirate queen to wade in the water, sacrificing herself for your survival. 24. Years later, recover the nude painting she did of you from a sunken duck boat. 25. Recount your tales to archeologists in painstaking, irrelevant detail that even archeologists can’t really be bothered with. 26. For no reason at all, cast priceless diamond into the sea. 27. Die. ** Maybe “Write better poetry” should be a step… nah
Recently, I choreographed a children’s flash-dance,
& was immediately taken to prison.
No one’s suspicions aroused
when kid Sherlock Holmes
couldn’t crack the case
of, “Who Burned the Sidewalk Ants?”
Growing up, Mom always told us
to see everything through to the end
& to never be a hypocrite.
She lived and died by those words;
slumped over a
seven thousand piece puzzle
depicting a pile of puzzle pieces,
competitively eating a nine pound bag
of individually wrapped M&M’s
& higher than the risen Jesus on LSD.
As a kid
I used to play in the dryer.
pretending to be the boulder
chasing Indiana Jones,
I would be a critically acclaimed poet.
After a confusing chain of emails
between the state government and myself
I learned that I was officially nominated
to become the Poet Laureate of California.
At first I thought I was being trolled
but have since learned that they were real government people
trying to fill an actual government position.
So I am officially launching my campaign
for the position of Poet Laureate
even though the job is not decided by any vote.
There’s no democracy.
The governor just picks a guy. (or girl)
“Then Eric, why launch a campaign?”
Because the governor has an email address.
You can contact him here:
& you can tell him whatever you want.
“Well Eric, of course I support you, but what should I say to him?”
Gee, I dunno…
Off the top of my head?
Like some sort of fill-in-the blank,
Maybe something along the lines of,
Dear Governor Brown,
I, (your name here), resident of (city within the state of California) encourage you to select Eric “E.I.” Wong to the position of Poet Laureate. Mr. Wong’s work is (positive adjective), (even more positive adjective) and easy on the eyes. One might even say his poetry is critical to the cannon of American literature, and even the English language. My words, not his. Mr. Wong himself is an upstanding citizen, with a caliber of likeability equivalent to (beloved costumed vigilante), but unlike (beloved costumed vigilante) you can see his face, and guess what? Mr. Wong is pretty easy on the eyes.
Mr. Wong in no way promised sexual favors in exchange for support of his fake campaign. Even though I love (your favorite sexual favor) and I would have happily exchanged the time it took to personally write this letter for said sexual favor, Mr. Wong is a man of such high integrity that despite multiple requests to (sexual favor) each other, he very politely declined.
He really is a great guy, independent of being exceedingly easy on the eyes.
(your name here)
Following the funeral riot
The Washington Post reported
that an unnamed prisoner in police custody
claimed that Freddie Gray’s nearly severed spine
battered face & crushed larynx
were self-inflicted injuries,
presumably so he could frame them for police brutality
by not being physically capable of accusing anyone of anything
because he crushed his own larynx.
In other news,
The Baltimore Elementary Gazette reported
“Riot Police Injure Selves By Raucously Head-Butting Inexplicable Soaring Rocks.”