Who knows

Maybe a plowed field is also a large scale donkey-based hieroglyphic written language which translates roughly into, “get me the fuck out of this harness.”

Maybe we are all unaware that there are also tiny Targets
inside giant Pizza Huts.

& maybe it takes four licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop,
but that owl is a cunnilingus warlock.

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A child, right now

Right now, there are maybe around five hundred kids in America.

They are thirteen years old,

& born in mid June, 2002.

They are learning about human physiology,

the saltier parts of American History,

and maybe they’re just a little better than average

at applying mathematics to the real world.

And today is the day,

that one of them,

realizes there’s a chance

they were conceived on 9/11.

Between sadness fries

When my dog gets to heaven, I hope God has a beard. I hope he’s an old white guy with a beard because my dog historically did not like the facially haired. They would get into a thing, and then Patches would go to hell where we could hang out in damnation forever, because I’m a terrible person who wants his dog to bite God for making shitty rules about lifespans, so obviously I’m going to hell. But really if you have your dog in hell then how bad could it be?

See how I just zinged God and his stupid rules?

Now give my fucking dog back, You cunt.

Sorry God, I didn’t mean that.
It’s just that I’m really hurting now and
LOOK OVER THERE.

RUN PATCHES! COME BACK TO ME!

NO, DONT WORRY ABOUT GOD
HES OLD AND FORGIVING. YOU GOT THIS.

Yeah, I know you’re forgiving too, Patches.
You’re the best.

I love you.
I love you so much.

From the Desk of Dr. Rubin Gibberwitz

Evil plan #423

1. Recalibrate the mall escalator to rise at the same rate as human fart.
2. Eat fourteen burritos.

Evil plan #626

1. Make a heavy metal cover of The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow from the musical Annie.
2. Play it for Annie Dietkus, the patient with extreme paranoia and skin cancer.

Evil plan #888

1. Enter pie throwing contest.
2. Make moon pies.
3. Use real moon

Evil plan #017

1. Invite all friends and family to a poetry reading.
2. Read poetry

Evil plan #441

1. Play a game of hot potato with the patient Annie.
2. Replace potato with chemo bag.

Evil plan #1009

1. Collect tongue depressors used to examine Ebola patients.
2. Make fudge pops

Evil plan #541

1. For Annie’s upcoming birthday, rent one of those game machines where a person stands inside a plastic box and dollar bills go flying all around them and they have to catch the cash.
2. Invent a new currency called Gibberwitz Bucks, which come in adult vampire bats and bees. Bats are obviously worth more.

Evil plan #082

Think “Chuck E Cheese,” but with rifles.

Evil plan #266

1. Remember SnapChat?

2. Saved all of them.  All of them.

Evil plan #1

1. I think the skin cancer patient, Annie, ate my cherry bear claw. Well guess who has two thumbs, a medical degree and is going to tape sandpaper to the sponge bath sponges later?

2. “note to nurses: Annie has some really really bad skin cancer. She is very sensitive, so when you bathe her, take no heed to her cries of pain and anguish as you scrape that cancer away. Will giving someone a rigorous bath cure them of their cancer? As a medical and scientific professional, I can only say for certain that it doesn’t hurt to try.”