You only feel bad if you can feel

Each year

more people die from suicide

than from all the world’s armed conflicts

 

An issue America will undoubtedly solve

with increased military spending

while also continuing the harvest of occupied Afghanistan’s poppy supply

(they produce 90% of the world’s opium)

which will then be made into overpriced prescription pain killers

whose exorbitant costs will be subsidized

using the public’s own money

in the form of a private health insurance subscription discount

as negotiated by the host of The Celebrity Apprentice

& not the host of The Celebrity Apprentice who actually has governing experience,

 

the other one.

 

But yeah, the shocking part is that people are killing themselves.

Optimisim

Wouldn’t it be wonderful
if Democrats and Republicans
set aside their differences
& came together under one roof

& then, due to decades
of neglectful infrastructure funding policy,
erosion collapsed that roof?

Poet Robot – Now Available, Also… Goodbye for now

Today’s the day.

You can get the book here:

https://www.createspace.com/5919886

 

And now for a farewell (for now).

All methods, ideally, self-destruct.

I began this blog as a means of coping with depression, anxiety and anger.

I did so by expressing said depression, anxiety and anger

in jokes which made me laugh,

converting pain into something light and joyous.

 

But eventually, the natural pain subsides

and I was left with a vehicle

which demanded pain

such that beauty could be created.

 

So for many months, I asked myself to bleed

beyond what wounds were innately there,

 

and so the means of liberation from pain

became a trap within itself.

 

This is not to say I am done writing forever,

only that it is time to change gears,

and for that to happen one must give space.

 

You can write to me at poetrobot@gmail.com

and I will do my best to reply.

Again, if you are exceedingly poor but would still like a book,

let me know and we can make that happen.

 

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

 

Until we meet again

“and now, a fox with a big ass hole in its face…”

After the ressurection

the disciples stood in awe of Christ.

The miracles

they had seen before

but all paled in comparison

to His newfangled, freaky shadow puppets.

 

 

 

 

 

phrases

“Give a man a fish

& you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish

& you feed him for a lifetime.”

-Lao Tzu

 

“Give a man a fish

& you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish

& you feed him for a lifetime,

so clearly we need to stop teaching people how to fish.”

-leaked transcript of Lao Tzu’s paid speeches to Big Fish

 

 

 

 

 

Fugue for Trumpets

Prior to the train robbery itself

a portion of horses must think

on some level

that they will get on the train

with their bandit masters

 

& on that same level

must walk home alone

feeling

through no fault of their own

like total losers.

overcome

A completely blind chameleon

can still change its skin

to match its environment.

 

Similarly, deaf bats

will still fly around

like they have no idea where they’re going.

the metrics of bacon

In the United States

it’s harder to bring home bacon today

than in the worst year of The Great Depression.

 

 

The US instituted the minimum wage in 1933

at twenty-five cents an hour,

or about $4.25 in today’s money.

 

 

Even though two dollars a day might not seem like much,

bacon was only eleven cents a pound at the time.

 

 

Working for one hour at the minimum wage in 1933

would have yielded approximately two and a half pounds of bacon

for you, your spouse and two and a half children.

 

 

You used to have three kids,

but times were really tough.

 

Today,

the United States minimum wage is $7.25

with the price of bacon over $5.00 per pound.

That means you, your spouse and 1.75 children

can only afford a pound and a bit

for that same hour’s labor.

To clarify, in this scenario

there are still three children,

but everyone is missing parts equally

because you’re a good parent.

They’re all living happily on government disability programs

with the missus always on the lookout

for cute little mom & pop shops, or small businesses

without wheelchair ramps

to sue

because again,

we are Americans in this scenario.

 

Even if socialist Bernie Sanders got his proposed $15 dollars an hour

which would bring the bacon ratio back to Depression era levels,

any difference would be squelched by higher taxes

so you can have free health care

where the doctor

practicing preventative medicine

advises that to avoid heart disease

you should cut back on bacon.

Touche, Dr. President Sanders.

plenty of crude oil in the sea

When one spouse dies

there’s a brief window of opportunity

for an interested suitor

who wants to make their move

 

which comes in the twenty-four hours after the body is in the ground

but before any maggots hatch and mess up the best bits.

A glimpse into the universe where I am an educator

There is a theory

that the word “testify,” or “testimony,”

comes from the ancient Roman practice

of swearing oaths on one’s testicles,

explaining why in today’s courtrooms

the judge has a hammer.

Similarly, the saying,

“lightning never strikes the same place twice”

is of Greek origin;

reportedly, what Zeus told one-night stands

in the morning.

Now,

some of your parents have voiced concern

that I should be teaching material

more relatable to you kindergartners,

but that doesn’t mean we can’t challenge ourselves

or enjoy good literature,

so bearing that in mind, let’s all gather around

turn down the lights

and read more passages from Lolita.

**

To those of you who had no idea what Lolita was going into this,

and had to look it up, I’m so very sorry.

To those of you who are familiar with Nabokov,

please ensure I never become an English teacher

and tell your friends about Poet Robot.

-e.