Boys, let me just say,
we did a great job
introducing the cannibals to Taco Tuesday,
& we’ll call Thirsty Thursday a success.
… About Black Friday…
Again, y’all knocked it out of the park,
but for the official police record,
Black Friday was a disaster.
So let’s all put on our sad faces,
get on the TV,
& begrudgingly pretend like we give a f***.
After that,
I dunno,
how about paid leave?
Merry Christmas.
“I briefly considered a universe where chickens were the dominant species
& every morning ate scrambled placenta with bacon.
The problem was getting men to wake up at four in the morning
& scream at the sun in unison for no reason.”
-God, on rest.
I’d like to think,
when I walk face first into a spider web,
there’s a brief moment
where the spider thinks it’s his lucky day
Followed quickly
by that feeling that you’ve bitten off
way more than you can chew
but like times a thousand.
Hello all,
This one is very, very long. (relative statement)
It is a parallel piece to “Detective’s Log” which explores the origins
of Agent Cam Hatchet.
I was going to save it for a self-published book project I’m working on
as “exclusive content”
but then I thought,
don’t be an asshole.
So here it is for you now, for free.
Consider it a preview.
A thirty page trailer for Poet Robot.
Here is another PDF link in case you don’t want to scroll back up.
Don’t worry, I totally get it. The Second Person Episode 1
I also know people can be weird about clicking on stuff
and you know what?
That’s totally fine.
I get it.
The plain text is below.
*********
The Second Person
An experiment in comic poetry
by E.I. Wong
“Wait, why would you put a quote in the beginning of this? That’s stupid.” -my girlfriend, when asked what quote might set an appropriate tone for this piece.
Episode 1: Hello, Apprentice
Good assassins leave no trace of themselves.
They sneak in and out with no notice
& the loudest thing you’ll hear is the sound of blood dripping.
A great assassin leaves no blood.
There is no murder weapon
because a great assassin needs no mechanical advantage.
Think of it like how serious drivers
always drive stick.
With great assassins, the police have a hard time deciding
whether or not foul play was involved.
Maybe they did just choke on a chicken bone.
Maybe they did fall asleep smoking.
A great assassin’s weapon of choice
is always Occam’s razor.
The master assassin never walks in the room.
They never sees their target in person.
The closest they get is an encrypted file on a computer
registered to someone else, and the names of the victims are all changed.
How do we decode them?
Mostly guesswork.
But master assassins are mostly right when it comes to these things.
That’s what makes us masters.
With the master assassin, the police are never called.
People are forgotten, like so many worn graves.
They understand that man is like a donkey
& that every donkey chases a carrot.
The master holds the carrot over a cliff
& the donkey undoes itself.
But you, my dear, are no master assassin.
That is a long ways off.
Come here.
Put these gloves on.
They’re leather.
No lint.
Remember that.
This is a wrench.
You hit people with it.
It was paid for with cash
but still, think of it as a one time use thing.
Everything is a one time use thing.
You want a knife?
Oh my silly, stupid apprentice.
Stupid, stupid apprentice.
What do you want to be a walking talking poster for idiot prison bitches?
Why not just write, “I killed a man”
on your chest using your victim’s semen
& then going to a black light party?
Knives are for threatening people,
scaring people, or throwing a big display.
Knives are for thugs, musclemen and intimidators.
You cut things off with knives to make people remember what loss is like.
You don’t get to threaten someone with a wrench.
The only move is “beat to death.”
You can technically warn them
of the impeding beating to death,
but that’s not really threatening…
I don’t want you over-thinking anything, apprentice.
For now just focus on calibrating your muscle memory
into knowing how much force it takes
to cave in a man’s skull.
A mask?
You want a mask?
Why not make a mask out of your victim’s semen,
call up the police yourself and say, “Hi, I just murdered a man. You might want to go looking for some suspicious sperm smeared asshole with a wrench. I’ll be sitting here by myself handcuffing my feet to my dick.”
Come on, apprentice.
No you’re going as yourself.
Cameron, the graduate student with dwarfism
who studies poetry.
That is the perfect mask.
Poetry.
Why didn’t I think of that?
Honestly, there was a brief moment where I thought you might already be a master assassin
because who in their right mind
would ever spend eight years of higher education
learning about something so pointless as poetry?
It’s the perfect cover.
Oh look at me, I’m sensitive and I don’t understand how money works, boo hoo!
Are you minoring in butter churning?
Maybe double majoring in porn film history,
back when all the ladies still had bushes?
You know, things that are pointless in America?
Hey, apprentice.
What’s rhymes with “academic failure?”
“Poetry Major” sort of fits.
That’s an off-rhyme.
See? Poetry is easy,
and I didn’t even go to the first four years
of poetry undergrad.
Just joshing, apprentice.
I’m sure you’ll be published.
Get that $1000 advance.
Collect on those mad poetry royalties.
But in the mean time,
take this.
It’s a Bluetooth, a burner phone, a thermos,
& a pendant with a little camera in it.
I got it at a toy store by the wharf.
You’d be surprised how cheap and easy it is to acquire the materials you need to create a fully functional spy network.
I think I’ve spent… Eighty dollars?
Plus tax.
What a time to be alive.
Or at least an assassin.
I know that’s almost a tenth of your big future poetry dollars, but keep in mind
I’m giving you 90k to do this
& that’s just a small cut of what I’m getting.
Don’t open the thermos.
Trust me.
It’s crucial to the mission,
but don’t open it until I tell you.
I’m serious, apprentice.
I’m watching you through your shirt.
Your nipple has my eye in it right now.
Think of your nipples as my eyes.
Okay, it’s in?
I’ll talk you through this.
The target is in the Main Library
in the San Francisco Civic Center.
It’s perfect.
Lots of homeless crazies to blame it on,
& no security cameras
Because the government can’t invade peoples privacy like that.
Not here.
Not in America.
I know, right?
What a bunch of idiots.
**
Alright, you’re in.
Go sign up for a library card.
Use your real name.
Just do it, apprentice.
Trust me.
You have to think
the way the police think
you won’t think.
Got it?
It doesn’t matter.
Trust me, apprentice.
If you do one stupid thing,
they’ll catch you.
If you do a bunch of stupid things,
they’ll never suspect a thing.
Because what professional assassin
would leave their real name and address
at the crime scene
moments before carrying out a brutal murder?
By the way, apprentice,
I expect this murder to be brutal.
Like, he should be unrecognizable when you’re done.
You should be aiming to cave his face in
just to make identification more difficult.
Also, that’s why you should remember to take their wallet.
Make it look like a robbery.
Alright, now make your way up to the fifth floor.
Your target is looking at microfilm.
Use the stairs.
I don’t want you getting into any charming conversations with strangers.
If anyone asks, tell them you’re looking for books about sexuality in people with dwarfism.
Or poetry by dwarves. That sounds better.
Yeah, let’s go with poetry by dwarves.
Hang on, lemme Google something really quick.
Good news, apprentice!
There are no famous dwarf poets.
You may have a shot after all.
But anyway, go murder that guy.
You see him?
He’s the fat one at the microfilm reader
with the hoodie, fleece vest and sweatpants.
I know, right? It’s like he doesn’t even exist.
You’d think he was some loser.
That’s what makes this one dangerous, apprentice.
Looking at him now, you’d never suspect that he’d have an international bounty on his head.
You’d never expect him to have a gun in his fanny-pack.
No, you’d just think he was some fat, disgusting guy.
& he is.
It’s beautiful really, how out in the open you can be with heinous crimes
as long as no one wants to bang you.
But that is a lesson for a later day, apprentice.
Actually, it’s pretty short.
If you have to wear a disguise
make sure you make your face ugly.
People don’t like looking at ugly people.
It makes you harder to identify.
Just remember not to make yourself too ugly,
or then you cross into “spectacle” territory.
Basically, anything like a goiter, or warts
or anything the social contract designated as, “rude to stare,”
will one hundred percent ensure that people will absolutely always stare.
It’s like Goldilocks, but with facial deformities.
Alright, apprentice. You’re up.
It’s just you two on this for right now.
Chubs only does this work when he thinks no one is around.
Now, I can’t technically tell you what he did
to deserve this, but let’s just say for now
that it was a lot like that scandal
with the former Subway human mascot,
but with really, really old people.
Bad stuff.
It’s fine.
Do you want to know?
You’re not even curious?
I’m gonna tell you.
His name is Bernard.
He has a sexual fetish
where in order to climax
he has to be inside a person
as they die of natural causes.
Don’t think about it, apprentice.
It only makes it worse.
Use that feeling to murder.
Go.
I’m thinking about it now.
Try to finish it in one swing.
I know you can do it.
Be quick, but more importantly be thorough.
That few seconds you use to take an extra face-scrambling swing
can buy you several hours of time while the police try to identify him.
Alright. Aim for the temple first,
then go to work on the face.
Good! See how easy that was?
Look how dead that guy is.
Okay, now do the face.
Nice.
Again.
Again.
I can still see face, apprentice.
Again.
Careful, you got blood on the camera.
I can’t see.
Okay, cool.
Again.
Again.
One last time for good measure.
Excellent work, apprentice.
Wow, alright maybe that’s enough.
Calm down.
Smash quietly, apprentice.
You’re in a library for Christ’s sake.
People are trying to consume out-dated information.
Take the wallet.
Good.
Okay, remember the thermos I gave you?
Go ahead and pour that bad boy on him.
Smell that?
That’s moose pee.
Police will think this a clue of some sort
& waste a few hours figuring out
that this is moose pee,
that there are no meese in San Francisco
& that their suspect must come from a part of the world,
where moose pee is readily available for inter-state transport.
Do you know what they won’t be doing in that time?
Questioning a dwarf poet about murdering a fat dude.
Cause I’m a goddamn genius, apprentice.
Up top!
Or, well, up top for you.
Down low for me.
Get it?
Just yanking your chain, apprentice.
You can’t high five me through your shirt.
But trust me, apprentice.
I high-fived you in my mind.
I’m holding my hand up.
Are you?
Apprentice?
Are you holding your hand up?
Okay, I’m gonna assume you were and that we had a moment.
Get the hell out of there and meet me back at the Hockey Haven.
It’s a bar, due west,
about five miles from you, near the ocean.
Leave the wrench and the thermos.
Over and out.
**
Oh hey, apprentice.
How’re you feeling?
Good?
Empowered?
A little turned on?
Murdering a guy will do that to you.
They don’t teach you that in school.
What’re you drinking?
We’re celebrating.
A beer, eh?
Classic apprentice.
You’re having two.
We’re celebrating.
Its not everyday you get to trend on Twitter.
Oh, did you not see that?
#serialmoose?
They think you’re a serial killer
And your calling card is drenching your victims in moose pee.
Yeah, who would have thought that moose pee
would have been so easily identifiable based on smell?
I guess those librarians are giant moose nerds
or maybe they’re really into pee.
I imagine they deal with pee a lot.
Either way, the goose chase is on.
They’ll never catch you.
Give me the equipment and then drink your drinks.
Oh wow, you drink fast.
Goddammit, why didn’t I say “moose chase?!”
Whatever.
No, it’s too late.
Don’t… don’t fake laugh.
It makes it worse.
Lemme tell you something about being an assassin, apprentice.
Over the years, we organized killers have been behind the creation of a lot of fake serial murderers.
A lot of it is people doing things like the moose pee gag, trying to throw off the scent.
But if you’ve been in this business for too long
you start to run out of ideas,
& maybe one or two things gets recycled.
Or maybe you and a buddy were throwing around ideas
& you both happened to like one
& you both happened to use that technique
without the other’s knowledge.
Suddenly wham, bam everyone thinks
there’s a moose pee collecting psycho on the loose.
But they’ll never think a midget moose pee collecting psycho is on the loose.
That would be ridiculous.
That’s what makes you special, my tiny, tiny apprentice.
Now don’t freak out,
But you still have some skull in your hair.
I got it.
It’s okay.
Don’t spaz.
I’ve eaten evidence before.
This won’t be the last time either.
I like you, apprentice.
More than I thought I would.
To be honest, I thought you would be
like a one time use wrench.
Some funny story I could tell the guys
about how I murdered a guy with a midget.
A poet midget no less.
The thing about you,
& remember to always listen to a guy in a bar
who, three drinks in, claims to have figured you out,
But the thing about you is everyone probably expects a dwarf poet to be sensitive
& no doubt you probably are,
but beyond that,
what I see in you is numbness,
a numbness that only a dwarf poet could have.
A numbness cultivated from sensitivity,
a numbness developed from a lifetime of shame and ridicule,
constant mocking and misconceptions, and in addition to the poetry, you’re also a dwarf.
And numbness makes for a great assassin.
Sensitive enough to be situationally aware.
Numb enough to do what needs doing.
You could go far in this world, Cameron.
Can I call you Cam?
That’s a good assassin name.
Cam.
It fits too.
You’re my little murder camera.
Dammit.
We’re not trending anymore.
That was fast.
Oh great, people are fat shaming Vin Diesel again.
I guess that is more important.
It was fun while it lasted.
Hang on..
“looks like someone is getting pretty Fast and McFlurrious. #chindiesel”
Another beer?
**
Wake up, apprentice.
Apprentice.
It’s time to go.
You’ve been drugged.
Of course it was me. Who else?
I’m training you to be an assassin
& the first rule of assassins
is that after you hire someone to assassinate a guy,
you have to assassinate your assassin
so that it isn’t traced back to you.
Don’t worry, I just roofied you.
In real life you’d be poisoned dead.
You gotta look alive, apprentice.
Never trust anyone.
Except me.
I’m the only one you can trust.
I know I just drugged you
but I didn’t kill you, did I?
Pretty trustworthy, no?
I could have done all sorts of stuff to your butt, just to prove a point, but did I?
How about a thank you?
Some gratitude would be nice.
Alright, I can tell you’re feeling a little defensive.
I’m just perceptive like that.
You really can trust me, apprentice.
I want you to succeed at this.
I want you to succeed me, in fact.
I see something in you.
All the lessons you learn in this field
are hard lessons.
Put the Bluetooth back in.
It’s time for lesson two.
While you were out, I tweeted the San Francisco police.
They’re on their way here now, and you need to hide.
Trial by fire, apprentice.
This should be a pretty easy one for you though, right?
You can fit in things.
Oh look, they’re here.
I’m gonna walk right out the front door,
smile at them and be on my merry way.
Don’t copy me.
Only one of us can use that move.
It looks suspicious otherwise.
Later, Cam.
I’ll see you on the other side.
<zkt^>
There is a window in the men’s room.
You might want to try sneaking out that way.
Apprentice?
Why aren’t you moving?
Don’t just sit there, you need to go!
Why are you just staring at that beer bottle?
Don’t be stupid, apprentice.
There are two cops
And one bottle.
What did I tell you?
Everything is one time use.
Also, DON’T ATTACK THE COPS IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.
ARE YOU INSANE?
Crap.
Did they hear that?
Look left, apprentice.
No, the other left.
Why are they leaving?
They heard me, didn’t they?
Okay, change of plan, apprentice.
Attack them with the beer bottle.
Go on.
Distract them.
Crack the bottle over one and then slash the Achilles tendons of the other with the shards.
Apprentice, I’m not hearing the agonized screams
of public servants.
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod they’re coming.
Quickly, apprentice! Tweet the police!
Draw them away.
Call 911 and say you’re being raped by foster children.
They’ll buy that.
Police hate foster kids.
Crank call the police, apprentice!
Wait, they’re stopping.
Did you call?
Stay calm, apprentice.
Leave this to a master assassin.
Someone of your rank and stature
couldn’t possibly get away with murdering two on-duty police officers in broad daylight
But we’re not talking about you.
Watch and learn, apprentice.
This is how a real assassin… Assassinates…
**
Apprentice, the assassin’s most frequently used tool
Is the element of surprise
followed closely by stealth.
They are your right and left hands.
Did you see how stealthily I stole the police car,
& how surprised the cops were
when I ran them down with their own vehicle?
You should be taking notes, apprentice.
Don’t actually take notes.
That’s leaving evidence.
Speaking of which, hand me that can of gasoline.
It’s time to burn some corpses.
As an assassin, you have some big boots to fill.
Literally.
Wear shoes that are too big for you.
The footprints will throw off anyone on your trail.
If they’re looking for a guy with size elevens
they aren’t going to stop you.
Oh my god, you would look adorable in size elevens, apprentice.
Do we have time to switch shoes?
No. Damn.
Next time, apprentice.
Next time.
Proper body disposal is an important skill for any aspiring assassin.
Now, is burning some corpses in the middle of Golden Gate Park on a Tuesday afternoon ideal?
No. It isn’t.
But an assassin is nothing if not adaptable.
Hopefully this will all be blamed on the homeless.
Over the years, I have blamed a lot of murders on the homeless.
I’ve put countless in prison, which is sort of a home,
so really I’m just doing my part. You gotta give back, you know?
I don’t really donate to charity otherwise.
Anyway, once we finish here
it’s back to the Hockey Haven.
Come on, don’t look at me like that.
Have I taught you nothing?
Of course we have to go back.
What cop killers would return to the scene of the crime
a mere ninety minutes after running down two police officers?
They’d never expect us to do that.
If we get there and something happens
just let me do all the talking, apprentice.
If there’s any trouble I’ll give you the signal
& then you start murdering people.
Hm?
I don’t know what the signal is yet.
I’ll probably just blink, or move my hand in a funny way.
Trust me, apprentice.
An assassin is intuitive
& flows with the moment.
You’ll know the signal when you see it.
**
Okay, so what we’ve learned
is that we should decide on a signal beforehand.
In retrospect, I should have told you
that I like to wave my arms around a lot I speak to law enforcement.
I’m theatrical like that,
when I’m pulling one over on the cops.
Never you mind, apprentice.
A little bit of corpse burning never hurt anyone.
It really builds that assassin character.
You see now this is the second fire we’ve started in Golden Gate Park.
The sun isn’t down,
& I’ll bet there’s a story brewing somewhere
about a serial arsonist.
But will they connect this to the moose pee?
Doubtful.
We don’t even have anymore moose pee to leave.
& it’s not like you started a corpse fire in the library.
You didn’t start any corpse fires in the library, right?
Apprentice.
Look me in the eye and tell me
you didn’t secretly loop footage on your nipple cam
so you could sneak away and set fire the corpse in the library.
Okay, I believe you.
Anyway,
This is how you create pandemonium, apprentice.
I’ve made a lot of pandemonium in my days.
Chaos is an effective cover.
People rarely remember intricate face details
when they’re running away from you and for their lives.
They’re usually more concerned with themselves.
And the thing about the police
is that when shit gets crazy
they tend to slow down.
Sure, they’re looking for us in the trees somewhere,
But they think we’re mad dangerous
So they’re gonna stick close and walk slow.
You know what that means, right?
Right.
We have to be recklessly fast
& split up.
You have your Bluetooth, apprentice?
Good.
See those lights?
That’s the police.
Don’t go that way
unless you plan to murder more city employees.
Wait, apprentice, did you want to just double back
And assassinate these guys?
We could.
You sure?
Apprentice…
Might be fun…
Fine.
Party pooper.
Alright, let’s do this.
You walk north and head for the golf course,
I’ll go west and lose them in the ocean.
Cops can’t swim.
They hate the water.
To them, it might as well be a giant mass of foster children.
We’ll meet later tonight
& I know you’re going to think this is a bad idea
but I need you to trust me, apprentice.
I need you to trust me
& in four hours
You will meet me
at the Hockey Haven.
**
See, apprentice? What did I tell you?
The Hockey Haven is the perfect place to meet.
No police.
Everyone is in the park.
And look, several internet news sources are saying
that a rogue cop may have been the culprit.
You know,
The old, cop couple kills another cop couple,
then the first cop couple start squabbling,
& the first cop from the first cop couple,
shoots the second cop from the first cop couple,
sets the car on fire,
shoots himself in the head,
& the body falls into the trunk and the trunk closes with both bodies inside.
It’s a tale as old as time.
The police have said the reports are untrue,
but don’t you think that’s exactly what they would say
to hide the embarrassing truth?
Now, apprentice, I didn’t say they had to be credible news sources.
I mean, do I control some of those accounts?
A master assassin never reveals his secrets.
Okay, yeah it was me.
I’ve been tweeting the shit out of that story.
The #blacklivesmatter people are picking it up.
I don’t know why.
All of those cops were bl… Oh.
I’m sure it’ll just throw them off even more.
That’s cool.
Oh my God.
Apprentice.
Something amazing has happened.
Vin Diesel has blocked me on Twitter.
**
Good morning, apprentice.
Did you sleep well?
Yes, I drugged you again.
To see if you had learned.
You didn’t.
Here, have some water.
The roofies really dehydrate you.
Good!
You didn’t drink the water.
I’m glad.
This water has all kinds of poison in it.
I was worried if you had fallen for that three times
I would have to go find another apprentice.
Do you know any other dwarf poets?
Maybe ones who aren’t so poison stupid?
Just joshing, apprentice.
You’re great.
While you were sleeping
I made this Vine of the nipple cam.
Look at you go,
It’s like his face never runs out of blood and face guts.
This is another important lesson in the assassin world.
You know how I said that assassins often are assassinated for their knowledge of their own assassinations?
Well one thing you can do to protect yourself
Is using certain pieces of vital information which you can use against whoever may want you dead.
For instance, take this Vine.
I know I just drugged you and maybe tried to poison you a little
And that is plenty reason to want to kill me.
But now that I have evidence
linking you to a murder,
I can be assured
that you will try your very hardest
To stay the Satan’s testicles off my shit list.
Blackmail and assassinry often cross paths.
You will learn the art of blackmail at a later time.
Today, we work on survival.
You may be wondering where exactly we are.
I’m not going to tell you.
We’re still in California
& I promise that I won’t be too far off,
but right now
I’m abandoning you in the woods.
As an assassin,
you will probably find yourself on the run from the law,
especially if you’re a bad assassin,
& by the looks of things, apprentice.
I’d say you’re not great.
But that’s why you have me.
I kind of got tired of telling you to put in your Bluetooth,
so I super glued it into your ear.
Hope you don’t mind.
Now I’m in your head forever, apprentice.
Forever.
Look at me, apprentice.
I don’t want you peeking at where I’m sneaking off too,
so I’ve arranged sort of training drill.
When you are in the wild
You may encounter animals.
In all my experience as a master assassin
what I have learned
is that the best option in almost all scenarios
is to attack the Nature as quickly as possible.
Swiftly.
With no remorse.
If you don’t eat them,
They will eat you.
And this brings us to these cages of raccoons.
As you can see, they have some pretty severe rabies.
Remember my words, sweet beautiful apprentice,
& Godspeed to you.
**
Oh my God, apprentice.
You know what?
I totally forgot that I used the same number of raccoon on you that I use for the regular-sized assassins.
I did not scale that test at all.
In retrospect, that was way too many raccoons.
You just fought twice your body weight
in rabid raccoon.
Apprentice?
Can you hear me?
How are you doing?
Oh man, you’re gonna need all kinds of rabies shots.
It’s okay, apprentice.
In normal cases,
You have around seventy-two hours to get the shot,
so I’m sure you have at least a few hours.
That’s plenty of time.
You sure gave them hell, though.
Those baby raccoons were terrified.
Did they scare you?
You can tell me.
This kind of feedback is really important.
Weren’t they scary?
It was so hard giving the babies rabies
because the mom doesn’t want to bite them naturally
but I did it for the effect
& I think it came through.
Did you hear that, apprentice?
It sounded like law enforcement.
Since I kind of have you a handicap with the whole
too many raccoons thing, I’m gonna cut you a break and tell you now
that I didn’t really abandon you in the woods.
You’re in Golden Gate Park.
Those are the cops.
You should run.
**
How did I know?
Apprentice?
How did I know I would find you here?
They should rename this place
the Assassin Haven.
This beer is your mana potion, apprentice.
Thank yo…wait a minute.
Apprentice, did you drug this drink?
I know that would be pretty justified
what with the whole coon fiasco.
[That’s not what I meant, madam.
Well, I do apologize.
No, I was explaining to my friend here
that they would be justified in drugging me with a roofie
because I made him fight a family of raccoons.
The animal.
No you’re crazy!] Haha, we have fun, don’t we, apprentice?
Apprentice, I swear to God,
If I drink this drink
& pass out due to anything other
than self-induced alcohol poisoning,
I will eat your brains in my eggs.
Oh.
You didn’t.
Very good then.
Honestly, I’m a little upset you didn’t try to poison me or anything.
You know just,
as an educator,
It would be nice to know that…
Well that something is sinking in, you know?
No, it’s too late for that.
Now I’ll know you’re trying to poison me
& it’s not the same.
It’s fine, apprentice.
Let’s finish up here & get you that rabies vaccine.
**
A true assassin
has only one joy in life.
The battle.
And to compress that elation
of murder
into a single instance
or draw it out in a shower lasting eons
casting death upon entire generations
& immortalizing your cruelty in history and legend,
is the art of assassinry.
And like in any art
there are hacks.
I refuse to train some hack assassin.
Apprentice, the only reason you should be around piano wire
is if you are playing the piano.
Piano wire is uncomfortable
& it totally ruins a perfectly good piano.
Do you know what it takes to repair a piano?
You have to call a guy.
It’s an appointment
Small talk
& you know every single goddamn piano man
has the same stupid jokes about fixing a single piano string.
Sure that’s fine the first time,
but let’s be real, of course someone was murdered.
Why else would one piano string break?
Did Kanye come over and play one of his songs live for you
for nine hours?
Okay, maybe he would do something like that.
Hang on, I’m gonna see if that’ll fit in a tweet.
Ah, no that is way too long.
Should I do a bunch of tweets?
No, I don’t want to be that guy.
Apprentice, you never want to be a guy.
It’s hack.
You gotta do things like the moose pee.
Something so eye catching
it blinds them to what’s really there.
You can’t look past the moose pee.
If you don’t change things up
they catch you.
& like anything else,
doing the same thing over and over gets boring.
You end up just going through the motions
of mindlessly slaughtering bad guys for money
instead of living and engaging with your craft.
Money’s the real thing you gotta watch out for.
Money will make you lazy and desperate.
It will make you boring.
We do this because it’s awesome.
Now, I know what you’re thinking.
Why are we at a veterinary office instead of a hospital?
Well, apprentice, I don’t know if you ever seen a mafia movie,
but those guys always use vets instead of doctors.
Doctors are obligated to call the police.
Vets are usually hippies, and therefore very easily coerced.
They love animals.
If you know how to pretend to torture a puppy,
you know how to get free medical care.
Don’t worry apprentice,
if you don’t know how to pretend to torture a puppy,
you can just for-realsies torture it.
It works just the same.
Apprentice.
Don’t look at me like that.
I can read your mind apprentice.
My voice is literally in your head.
This is not a hack thing to do.
This is honoring your lineage.
There is an important difference there.
This is a killer’s tradition.
It’s like our Christmas tree,
but you put a scalpel to little Donut’s pug face here.
[Seriously ma’am, dog hostage situation aside,
this is the cutest pug in the world.]
I’m totally taking him with us.
[What? Nothing. Keep sewing]
Hey, apprentice.
It’s like reverse Stockholm Syndrome.
But it’s Dogholm Syndrome.
[Oh yes it is!]
Don’t look at me like that, apprentice.
There is too much adorable going on right now.
And by the way,
you remember what I told you, right?
About eaving-le oh-ne evidence…eh?
In regards to the et-veh? Eh?
What I’m saying is,
you’re looking pretty well patched up.
You got the rabies shot.
Everything is good.
Now it’s just a matter of how we keep this vet here quiet.
You hear how she’s begging and pleading?
They all do that.
All the time.
No matter what.
It doesn’t change the fact that you have two options
deemed acceptable by the assassin’s way.
You can either
bring her into the fold and earn her trust
through a series of sexual advances and putting her in perilous situations
that condition her to rely on you
or you can get with the stabby-stabs.
No, don’t stab.
Stabbing leaves evidence.
I mean, kill her if you want,
but don’t make a mess, you know?
[She gets it, doesn’t she Mr. Donut?]
Again, it’s not hack.
It’s tradition.
I’ll let you decide what you want to do.
I’m gonna take my new best friend here outside
so I can hit on jogging women.
To be continued
*for more adventures with Cam Hatchet, check out “Detective’s Log,” available at notesfromanarcissist.wordpress.com
A Narcissist Writes Letters, To Himself 