Carole’s dead

A firefly’s light
lights every direction
except the direction the firefly is facing
& presumably traveling
which must be frustrating for the firefly
& might explain why you always see them in groups
hovering aimlessly in circles…

“No, Bob. You fly backwards by me
Keith spins in a circle
& I try to figure out where the frick Carole went.

She went flying off into the woods
once that bird started chasing her.
Carole’s great at escaping,
but I don’t know
as a species
we’re really easy to follow
at night…”

Health & Safety Tip For Traveling

It’s been said the safest place to sit on the bus is at the back

but I think

the safest place to sit

is in the middle of that row of seats

which face sideways

at the front of the bus

because that’s where they put all the elderly, disabled and pregnant people

& that way, in the event of a crash

you can use all those disabled, pregnant and elderly people

as fleshy, defenseless airbags.


You guys, there’s more Detective’s Log. It’s getting weird.


The Mighty Mothman, Tin Lion and The Detective’s Log

I had an idea for a superhero named Mothman.

He’s just like Batman

but when you light the Moth-signal

he gets there way faster.


Hey guys,

In a continued effort to not be annoying, I’m consolidating a few “update” posts with this one. I have added a new section to “Detective’s Log” and there is a new page up.

There you can find a link to a chapbook titled “Tin Lion.” (It’s a deceptive way of saying “heartless coward”) I could not have put it together without all your helpful feedback, so thank you for reading, following, liking and commenting. Your validation has become a useful tool for fighting the weight of everyday mundane anguish.


Just as a warning, if you’ve been a long time follower, you’ve probably read a good portion of the content in “Tin Lion.”  There are a few new things that have never been on this blog, but if that isn’t enough to sway you, don’t worry about it. If you really want to read that content, email me or something and I’ll get it to you.




regarding darts

I rent, and I really want my deposit back,

so I have pictures hanging up all around my dartboard.


Why is the only place it’s socially acceptable to play darts

is with and around drunk people?


We’ve outlawed drinking and driving,

texting and driving,

we socially discourage texting and drinking


But throwing miniature spears

in a dark, crowded room

at a target the size

of roughly a head?


Sure, make a game of it.

In fact, why not make it an internationally recognizable staple

of drinking culture…



Excerpt from “Detective’s Log.”

I’ve added a new page to this blog. This is a longer work that is still in progress, but I thought it would be fun to try releasing something in a serialized fashion. I will add a chapter every week on Thursdays. You can read the full issue here:

Anyway, here’s a quote…

“Got back to the office to two messages.

One was an email from an outlet store.

I asked them to stop emailing me,

but as soon as I would send an email,

they would send one right back, almost instantly,

saying, ‘don’t send this address emails.’

It was like they were messing with me.

My emails got angrier and angrier

but they came back so quickly, so instantaneously,

that I began to suspect that they might be close by.

I don’t know who ‘Don Otreply’ is,

but I think I’m going to do a little background check on him…”

Extrapolating idiomatic logic into other colloquialisms, demonstrating the fallacies of folk wisdom

1. If the shoe fits, you have identical penises.

This combines the logic of, “you know what they say about a guy with big feet,” and the popular phrase, “if the shoe fits, wear it.”
Because this isn’t mathematically sound advice, reversals tend to fail, i.e. it is inappropriate to say,

“We have the same dick. NOW GIMME YOUR FLIP-FLOPS.”