Evil plan #423
1. Recalibrate the mall escalator to rise at the same rate as human fart.
2. Eat fourteen burritos.
Evil plan #626
1. Make a heavy metal cover of The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow from the musical Annie.
2. Play it for Annie Dietkus, the patient with extreme paranoia and skin cancer.
Evil plan #888
1. Enter pie throwing contest.
2. Make moon pies.
3. Use real moon
Evil plan #017
1. Invite all friends and family to a poetry reading.
2. Read poetry
Evil plan #441
1. Play a game of hot potato with the patient Annie.
2. Replace potato with chemo bag.
Evil plan #1009
1. Collect tongue depressors used to examine Ebola patients.
2. Make fudge pops
Evil plan #541
1. For Annie’s upcoming birthday, rent one of those game machines where a person stands inside a plastic box and dollar bills go flying all around them and they have to catch the cash.
2. Invent a new currency called Gibberwitz Bucks, which come in adult vampire bats and bees. Bats are obviously worth more.
Evil plan #082
Think “Chuck E Cheese,” but with rifles.
Evil plan #266
1. Remember SnapChat?
2. Saved all of them. All of them.
Evil plan #1
1. I think the skin cancer patient, Annie, ate my cherry bear claw. Well guess who has two thumbs, a medical degree and is going to tape sandpaper to the sponge bath sponges later?
2. “note to nurses: Annie has some really really bad skin cancer. She is very sensitive, so when you bathe her, take no heed to her cries of pain and anguish as you scrape that cancer away. Will giving someone a rigorous bath cure them of their cancer? As a medical and scientific professional, I can only say for certain that it doesn’t hurt to try.”