Today we topped the list of most confirmed infections.
We did it, guys!
We’re number one!!
Feels great. Feels… like I have fluid in my lungs.
*
Be safe, all.
Today we topped the list of most confirmed infections.
We did it, guys!
We’re number one!!
Feels great. Feels… like I have fluid in my lungs.
*
Be safe, all.
WE NEED MORE BEANS.
These are the thoughts that repeat over and over
despite my girlfriend reminding me
we have a ten-pound bag of beans.
But what if there are no more beans, sweetie?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
What if this is the end of beans?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I’ve touched my face nine hundred thousand times.
In the name of conservation, I’ve eaten leftovers that will likely send me to the hospital
which is all kinds of stupid, but the leftovers have beans in them
and I’m not wasting any goddamn beans.
This is why everyone is hoarding toilet paper…
Bad beans.
**
I’ve just realized that there’s a little emoji robot
analyzing my tone and presenting me with an AI mood ring glimpse into my day.
(Just installed Grammarly)
It says my tone is
Disapproving
Sad
and Confused.
Touche, robot.
**
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make a quarantini*
and start an indoor bean farm.
* a quarantini is a regular martini but served with black olives because all you thought to buy at the store were black olives and now there are no more olives.
Oh God, we need more olives.
Hello Friends!
I have some click-bait for you.
https://poetrobot.itch.io/ok-boomer-the-game
I made it myself
As it turns out
studying poetry and creative writing in college
was not as lucrative as one would hope
and home-boy finds himself wishing he had “lurned 2 code.”
So here’s the first of hopefully many adventures in self-education
using the most basic technologies, an HTML “choose your own adventure” story
capitalizing on the latest fads on the Internet.
Look at that.
I turned 30 and immediately tried to sell out.
…by making a free-to-play game…
Okay, add “business” to the list of things to self-educate upon.
I’m a volunteer
anonymous life-coach
although I’d like to see myself
as the Gordon Ramsay
of volunteer anonymous life-coaches
who works primarily with small children, the elderly
or any other park-goer off put by a clown
in full military camouflage
& there are nine of us in the camouflage
but I’m the Gordon Ramsay.
Bannon: The Trump Presidency we fought for is DEAD
***one day later***
Trump: Thank you for protesting bigotry and hate!
It was then I felt
a great erection in the Universe
as if millions of haters cried out, “#WAR”
& were suddenly silenced by Facebook, Google, GoDaddy, Twitter, MSM, BLM, Muslims, Jews, LGBTQs, Women, Latinos, Democrats, Republicans, Boston, The Pope, General Kelly, Heather Heyer and the sounds of their mothers saying their Meatball & Mozzarella LeanPockets were finished microwaving.
So yeah, global conspiracy confirmed
***
This piece is dedicated to Sir Richard Claxton Gregory – A true Knight of this Old Republic
Wouldn’t it be wonderful
if Democrats and Republicans
set aside their differences
& came together under one roof
& then, due to decades
of neglectful infrastructure funding policy,
erosion collapsed that roof?
After the ressurection
the disciples stood in awe of Christ.
The miracles
they had seen before
but all paled in comparison
to His newfangled, freaky shadow puppets.
“Give a man a fish
& you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish
& you feed him for a lifetime.”
-Lao Tzu
“Give a man a fish
& you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish
& you feed him for a lifetime,
so clearly we need to stop teaching people how to fish.”
-leaked transcript of Lao Tzu’s paid speeches to Big Fish
Prior to the train robbery itself
a portion of horses must think
on some level
that they will get on the train
with their bandit masters
& on that same level
must walk home alone
feeling
through no fault of their own
like total losers.
When one spouse dies
there’s a brief window of opportunity
for an interested suitor
who wants to make their move
which comes in the twenty-four hours after the body is in the ground
but before any maggots hatch and mess up the best bits.