Tag Archives: funny

Coronavirus Lockdown Diary – Day 3

Posted on by under Daily Post

WE NEED MORE BEANS.

 

These are the thoughts that repeat over and over

despite my girlfriend reminding me

we have a ten-pound bag of beans.

 

But what if there are no more beans, sweetie?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

What if this is the end of beans?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

 

I’ve touched my face nine hundred thousand times.

 

In the name of conservation, I’ve eaten leftovers that will likely send me to the hospital

which is all kinds of stupid, but the leftovers have beans in them

and I’m not wasting any goddamn beans.

 

This is why everyone is hoarding toilet paper…

Bad beans.

**

I’ve just realized that there’s a little emoji robot

analyzing my tone and presenting me with an AI mood ring glimpse into my day.

(Just installed Grammarly)

It says my tone is

Disapproving

Sad

and Confused.

 

Touche, robot.

**

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make a quarantini*

and start an indoor bean farm.

 

*  a quarantini is a regular martini but served with black olives because all you thought to buy at the store were black olives and now there are no more olives.

Oh God, we need more olives.

 

OK Boomer: The Game

Posted on by under Daily Post

Hello Friends!

I have some click-bait for you.

 

https://poetrobot.itch.io/ok-boomer-the-game

 

I made it myself

 

As it turns out

studying poetry and creative writing in college

was not as lucrative as one would hope

and home-boy finds himself wishing he had “lurned 2 code.”

So here’s the first of hopefully many adventures in self-education

using the most basic technologies, an HTML “choose your own adventure” story

capitalizing on the latest fads on the Internet.

Look at that.

I turned 30 and immediately tried to sell out.

…by making a free-to-play game…

 

Okay, add “business” to the list of things to self-educate upon.

 

 

Pimp your LinkedIn/This Picnic is Filth

Posted on by under Daily Post

I’m a volunteer

anonymous life-coach

 

although I’d like to see myself

as the Gordon Ramsay

of volunteer anonymous life-coaches

 

who works primarily with small children, the elderly

or any other park-goer off put by a clown

in full military camouflage

 

& there are nine of us in the camouflage

 

but I’m the Gordon Ramsay.

My, what big wrists you have

Posted on by under Daily Post

Bannon: The Trump Presidency we fought for is DEAD

***one day later***

Trump: Thank you for protesting bigotry and hate!

 

 

It was then I felt

a great erection in the Universe

as if millions of haters cried out, “#WAR”

& were suddenly silenced by Facebook, Google, GoDaddy, Twitter, MSM, BLM, Muslims, Jews,  LGBTQs, Women, Latinos, Democrats, Republicans, Boston, The Pope, General Kelly, Heather Heyer and the sounds of their mothers saying their Meatball & Mozzarella LeanPockets were finished microwaving.

So yeah, global conspiracy confirmed

***

This piece is dedicated to Sir Richard Claxton Gregory – A true Knight of this Old Republic

Optimism

Posted on by under Daily Post

Wouldn’t it be wonderful
if Democrats and Republicans
set aside their differences
& came together under one roof

& then, due to decades
of neglectful infrastructure funding policy,
erosion collapsed that roof?

phrases

Posted on by under Daily Post

“Give a man a fish

& you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish

& you feed him for a lifetime.”

-Lao Tzu

 

“Give a man a fish

& you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish

& you feed him for a lifetime,

so clearly we need to stop teaching people how to fish.”

-leaked transcript of Lao Tzu’s paid speeches to Big Fish

 

 

 

 

 

Fugue for Trumpets

Posted on by under Daily Post

Prior to the train robbery itself

a portion of horses must think

on some level

that they will get on the train

with their bandit masters

 

& on that same level

must walk home alone

feeling

through no fault of their own

like total losers.