I’m a volunteer
anonymous life-coach
although I’d like to see myself
as the Gordon Ramsay
of volunteer anonymous life-coaches
who works primarily with small children, the elderly
or any other park-goer off put by a clown
in full military camouflage
& there are nine of us in the camouflage
but I’m the Gordon Ramsay.
After the ressurection
the disciples stood in awe of Christ.
The miracles
they had seen before
but all paled in comparison
to His newfangled, freaky shadow puppets.
“Give a man a fish
& you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish
& you feed him for a lifetime.”
-Lao Tzu
“Give a man a fish
& you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish
& you feed him for a lifetime,
so clearly we need to stop teaching people how to fish.”
-leaked transcript of Lao Tzu’s paid speeches to Big Fish
Prior to the train robbery itself
a portion of horses must think
on some level
that they will get on the train
with their bandit masters
& on that same level
must walk home alone
feeling
through no fault of their own
like total losers.
A completely blind chameleon
can still change its skin
to match its environment.
Similarly, deaf bats
will still fly around
like they have no idea where they’re going.
In the United States
it’s harder to bring home bacon today
than in the worst year of The Great Depression.
The US instituted the minimum wage in 1933
at twenty-five cents an hour,
or about $4.25 in today’s money.
Even though two dollars a day might not seem like much,
bacon was only eleven cents a pound at the time.
Working for one hour at the minimum wage in 1933
would have yielded approximately two and a half pounds of bacon
for you, your spouse and two and a half children.
You used to have three kids,
but times were really tough.
Today,
the United States minimum wage is $7.25
with the price of bacon over $5.00 per pound.
That means you, your spouse and 1.75 children
can only afford a pound and a bit
for that same hour’s labor.
To clarify, in this scenario
there are still three children,
but everyone is missing parts equally
because you’re a good parent.
They’re all living happily on government disability programs
with the missus always on the lookout
for cute little mom & pop shops, or small businesses
without wheelchair ramps
to sue
because again,
we are Americans in this scenario.
Even if socialist Bernie Sanders got his proposed $15 dollars an hour
which would bring the bacon ratio back to Depression era levels,
any difference would be squelched by higher taxes
so you can have free health care
where the doctor
practicing preventative medicine
advises that to avoid heart disease
you should cut back on bacon.
Touche, Dr. President Sanders.
When one spouse dies
there’s a brief window of opportunity
for an interested suitor
who wants to make their move
which comes in the twenty-four hours after the body is in the ground
but before any maggots hatch and mess up the best bits.
There is a theory
that the word “testify,” or “testimony,”
comes from the ancient Roman practice
of swearing oaths on one’s testicles,
explaining why in today’s courtrooms
the judge has a hammer.
Similarly, the saying,
“lightning never strikes the same place twice”
is of Greek origin;
reportedly, what Zeus told one-night stands
in the morning.
Now,
some of your parents have voiced concern
that I should be teaching material
more relatable to you kindergartners,
but that doesn’t mean we can’t challenge ourselves
or enjoy good literature,
so bearing that in mind, let’s all gather around
turn down the lights
and read more passages from Lolita.
**
To those of you who had no idea what Lolita was going into this,
and had to look it up, I’m so very sorry.
To those of you who are familiar with Nabokov,
please ensure I never become an English teacher
and tell your friends about Poet Robot.
-e.
Hello!
Deepest apologies for nothing new this week,
but I have been busy.
I have a book coming out!
It is called Poet Robot.
I am giving away some copies
RIGHT NOW
on Goodreads and LibraryThing,
and I would love to give you one.
Poet Robot is a collection of posts from this blog
as well as a few short stories, and pieces from Tin Lion.
(if your country is not listed, please send me an email at poetrobot@gmail.com and I will add your country to the goodreads giveaways in the future. I’ll be doing a lot of them.)
If you have are one of the lovely individuals with a book review blog (and I mean that in the most pandering of ways), then I would be more than happy to exchange a review for a copy. Also, if you just want one and are poor, I will probably give you one anyway. Just send me an email (poetrobot@gmail.com) with your name, address and a link to your blog.
Thanks so much for readership and support.
I look forward to sharing this with you all.
-e
I wrote a screenplay about a lady werewolf
who travels to the moons of Jupiter
which has sixty-seven moons
so she bleeds to death.*
*After multiple rejections and revisions, this piece was written on the basis that my girlfriend thinks joking about menstruation is never funny. I have been asked not to say “I told you so.”
A Narcissist Writes Letters, To Himself 