Coronavirus Diary: Day… Days are meaningless now.

“One with the land”

 

Today on a walk

in my new neighborhood

North Berkeley

At sixteen hundred hours and twenty minutes

I watched a group of young boys

age three to maybe eight

play a game of war with sticks.

 

It was a kind of game I had played as a boy

and I’m sure every generation of boys before me did the same.

There was no anger or hurt feelings in the children,

they were smiling and having fun.

But here the teams were chosen based on race.

 

(team white was outnumbered)

The youngest looked for bigger sticks

but couldn’t bring himself to be too far from his big brother

because he didn’t really know what was going on.

 

Parents were on their phones

eating cheese

sharing their traumatic experience of having heard a helicopter at night.

 

(Berkeley. Verb – to make oneself feel better by telling a stranger how they should live their life.)

 

I wanted to Berkeley the shit out of them.

 

My social crime today is having not done that.

The crime is cowardice.

I considered making a little video of the children in the park as proof

but that’s really, really creepy

so I did not.

 

Humans,

children are watching.

 

Also, pretty sure aliens are also watching

but that somehow has managed to just slip under everyone’s radar.

 

How convenient for the aliens……

 

 

I’ve been social-distancing too long.

 

Now if you’ll excuse me I must muster the courage to go on Nextdoor

and fail at finding a non-triggering way of saying “you’re a bad parent.”

 

Black Lives Matter.

 

Coronavirus Lockdown Diary – Day 3

WE NEED MORE BEANS.

 

These are the thoughts that repeat over and over

despite my girlfriend reminding me

we have a ten-pound bag of beans.

 

But what if there are no more beans, sweetie?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

What if this is the end of beans?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

 

I’ve touched my face nine hundred thousand times.

 

In the name of conservation, I’ve eaten leftovers that will likely send me to the hospital

which is all kinds of stupid, but the leftovers have beans in them

and I’m not wasting any goddamn beans.

 

This is why everyone is hoarding toilet paper…

Bad beans.

**

I’ve just realized that there’s a little emoji robot

analyzing my tone and presenting me with an AI mood ring glimpse into my day.

(Just installed Grammarly)

It says my tone is

Disapproving

Sad

and Confused.

 

Touche, robot.

**

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make a quarantini*

and start an indoor bean farm.

 

*  a quarantini is a regular martini but served with black olives because all you thought to buy at the store were black olives and now there are no more olives.

Oh God, we need more olives.

 

Batman v Progressivism

While it may seem like crooks run the world

a gentle stream of justice shall flow through Gotham

Once Batman gets a sweet, juicy tax cut;

because nothing deters crime

like blingier batarangs

& an increased susceptibility to medical bankruptcy.

 

 

Pimp your LinkedIn/This Picnic is Filth

I’m a volunteer

anonymous life-coach

 

although I’d like to see myself

as the Gordon Ramsay

of volunteer anonymous life-coaches

 

who works primarily with small children, the elderly

or any other park-goer off put by a clown

in full military camouflage

 

& there are nine of us in the camouflage

 

but I’m the Gordon Ramsay.

phrases

“Give a man a fish

& you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish

& you feed him for a lifetime.”

-Lao Tzu

 

“Give a man a fish

& you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish

& you feed him for a lifetime,

so clearly we need to stop teaching people how to fish.”

-leaked transcript of Lao Tzu’s paid speeches to Big Fish

 

 

 

 

 

Fugue for Trumpets

Prior to the train robbery itself

a portion of horses must think

on some level

that they will get on the train

with their bandit masters

 

& on that same level

must walk home alone

feeling

through no fault of their own

like total losers.