Plan for if this whole “Poet Laureate/Comedian” thing doesn’t pan out

Phase 1 1. Open a chain of pirate themed family restaurants. 2. Create novelty napkins featuring a treasure map for pirate themed family restaurant. 3. Bury treasure in accordance with said novelty napkin map. 4. Wait for someone to come looking for the treasure. 5. Abduct them. 6. Repeat steps 4 & 5 until local folklore or media frenzy is created. 7. Change treasure map napkin in a slight way, that only conspiracy theory weirdos would notice. (Or, create a new napkin designed in such a way that if you align it with the original napkin and then do a MAD magazine style fold it makes a whole new map) 8. Bury treasure in accordance with new novelty napkin map along with a note reading, “the victims are in the chicken” -Lee Harvey Oswald 9. With the media circus successfully distracted, convert all abductees from steps four and five into blood-thirsty pirates. 10. Along with blood-thirsty pirate crew, commandeer several “Ride the Ducks” tourism crafts. 11. Temporarily satiate pirate crew’s thirst for blood with tour guide body fluids. 12. Using the fleet of stolen duck trucks, storm the Governor’s mansion. 13. Demand the Poet Laureate laurel wreath. Note how  thirsty your pirate crew appears, then wink at the Governor. (note: If wearing an eye patch, make sure you lift it up when you wink so the Governor knows you’re not just blinking weirdly) 14. Lock eyes with the Governor’s daughter. 15. Glisten 16. Fall in love with the Governor’s daughter. 17. Crown secured, contact your business card guy. See if he can add “pirate king” to recent order of “Eric Wong – Poet Laureate/Comedian” business cards. 18. Publicly declare self “Poet Laureate/Pirate King/Comedian.” Show any nay-sayers some very official looking business cards. 19. While searching for stow-sways, find Governor’s daughter in a barrel of duck whistles. 20. Make her your pirate queen. 21. After a long, swashbuckling career and tiring of a life at sea, fake death via self-incited mutiny. 22. Escape with the pirate queen, using a life raft made from the same barrel of duck whistles you found her in. 23. During the long journey back to shore, realize that the raft cannot maintain both of your weight, and allow pirate queen to wade in the water, sacrificing herself for your survival. 24. Years later, recover the nude painting she did of you from a sunken duck boat. 25. Recount your tales to archeologists in painstaking, irrelevant detail that even archeologists can’t really be bothered with. 26. For no reason at all, cast priceless diamond into the sea. 27. Die. ** Maybe “Write better poetry” should be a step… nah

89 thoughts on “Plan for if this whole “Poet Laureate/Comedian” thing doesn’t pan out

  1. Apparently, Keep It Simple Stupid never entered your mind. All you need to do is abduct the Governor’s daughter. Duh.

    Really enjoyed this. You definitely deserve to wear the poet laureate mantle. Or something. Thanks for the giggles.

  2. There are certainly enough possibilities, though you might want to mix up the Pirate theme since it seems to dominate all of your plans. I’m just saying…

  3. haha great plan, i’m off to sell bootleg copies of it! this is genius, wait i was gonna bootleg my own store damn it! long live proper piracy

  4. Dreeeeeam, dream, dream, Dreeeeeam…I’ll be the trusted bosom, eye eye Capan.
    Question: if you’ve got enough wonga to open a change of pirate restaurants in the first place what the hell do ya need to go through all that milarky for, Capan? (Say’s in me best Pirate Accent)

    • One should live their life using wonga to pursue malarkey of their own taste. To pursue malarkey for wonga alone is to miss the point of swashbuckling entirely. Also, I love your pirate accent. Our enemies shall shiver at yer timbre

    • I have faith in you. Your about page shows a lot of your drive to improve and it looks like you have a strong writing foundation to build on. Keep on keeping on!

  5. Eric, after chuckling all the way through the reading of number ten, only to die laughing from reading number twenty-four, I have decided that your talents would be thoroughly wasted as a Poet-Laureate/Comedian. Your tales of piracy, and of being on the high seas, is by far a Titanic project not worthy of the small screen. say nothing of a Poet-Laureate/Comedian. James Cameron has been notified of your adventures and wants to make an epic motion picture, with you in it. I believe a working title he called, “Tideantics” which I think will be huge! ;O)

  6. I hate it when I read something by someone else that’s really funny and I have to wonder why I didn’t come up with that myself but now it’s too late anyway because it’s already taken. Thanks a lot.

  7. Like the plan, but replace pirates for ninja penguins in my case, having made my own plan whilst occupying a second hand volcano hide out
    PS: Death ray parts, where do you get them, kind of hard to take over the world without one

  8. should I not realize my dream of becoming the poet laureate I am saving all my self-published book profits to buy a franchise, probably a Dunkin Donuts. I already have $17.00. Thank you for reminding me I need to plan ahead.

  9. XD The only question i have is where do you plan on keeping the abductees? Forgive me if you wrote that and i missed it…
    The plan sounds basically foolproof tho!! 😉

  10. I enjoyed reading your post in its entirety. Though I missed the first two references stories (until they were mentioned by fellow readers) 23 really got me. My world it seems is so small that before today everyone I’ve encountered always defends that action.

    You die in phase 1, as a plan? lol. What are we ghoing to do in the next?

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