You only feel bad if you can feel

Each year

more people die from suicide

than from all the world’s armed conflicts

 

An issue America will undoubtedly solve

with increased military spending

while also continuing the harvest of occupied Afghanistan’s poppy supply

(they produce 90% of the world’s opium)

which will then be made into overpriced prescription pain killers

whose exorbitant costs will be subsidized

using the public’s own money

in the form of a private health insurance subscription discount

as negotiated by the host of The Celebrity Apprentice

& not the host of The Celebrity Apprentice who actually has governing experience,

 

the other one.

 

But yeah, the shocking part is that people are killing themselves.

Optimism

Wouldn’t it be wonderful
if Democrats and Republicans
set aside their differences
& came together under one roof

& then, due to decades
of neglectful infrastructure funding policy,
erosion collapsed that roof?

phrases

“Give a man a fish

& you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish

& you feed him for a lifetime.”

-Lao Tzu

 

“Give a man a fish

& you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish

& you feed him for a lifetime,

so clearly we need to stop teaching people how to fish.”

-leaked transcript of Lao Tzu’s paid speeches to Big Fish

 

 

 

 

 

Fugue for Trumpets

Prior to the train robbery itself

a portion of horses must think

on some level

that they will get on the train

with their bandit masters

 

& on that same level

must walk home alone

feeling

through no fault of their own

like total losers.

A glimpse into the universe where I am an educator

There is a theory

that the word “testify,” or “testimony,”

comes from the ancient Roman practice

of swearing oaths on one’s testicles,

explaining why in today’s courtrooms

the judge has a hammer.

Similarly, the saying,

“lightning never strikes the same place twice”

is of Greek origin;

reportedly, what Zeus told one-night stands

in the morning.

Now,

some of your parents have voiced concern

that I should be teaching material

more relatable to you kindergartners,

but that doesn’t mean we can’t challenge ourselves

or enjoy good literature,

so bearing that in mind, let’s all gather around

turn down the lights

and read more passages from Lolita.

**

To those of you who had no idea what Lolita was going into this,

and had to look it up, I’m so very sorry.

To those of you who are familiar with Nabokov,

please ensure I never become an English teacher

and tell your friends about Poet Robot.

-e.

period piece

I wrote a screenplay about a lady werewolf

who travels to the moons of Jupiter

which has sixty-seven moons

so she bleeds to death.*

 

 

 

*After multiple rejections and revisions, this piece was written on the basis that my girlfriend thinks joking about menstruation is never funny.  I have been asked not to say “I told you so.”

whales

My older brother Ryan thinks whales breaching

is the most serene, beautiful sight on Earth.

 

Personally, I think

they’re trying to invade the sky

and are just sort of stupid,

 

but in a way, isn’t that beautiful too?

 

 

 

 

*

**

***

 

Happy New Year! I wanted to thank everyone who has ever taken the time to read my work. It has been a great personal pleasure to bring my weirdo thoughts to you. Your continued support is very much appreciated and you all have my undying gratitude.  I look forward to all the giggles and cringes to come. Truly, I love you all. -e

however fleeting

I’d like to think,
when I walk face first into a spider web,
there’s a brief moment
where the spider thinks it’s his lucky day

Followed quickly
by that feeling that you’ve bitten off
way more than you can chew
but like times a thousand.