Today we topped the list of most confirmed infections.
We did it, guys!
We’re number one!!
Feels great. Feels… like I have fluid in my lungs.
*
Be safe, all.
Tag Archives: words
You only feel bad if you can feel
Each year
more people die from suicide
than from all the world’s armed conflicts
An issue America will undoubtedly solve
with increased military spending
while also continuing the harvest of occupied Afghanistan’s poppy supply
(they produce 90% of the world’s opium)
which will then be made into overpriced prescription pain killers
whose exorbitant costs will be subsidized
using the public’s own money
in the form of a private health insurance subscription discount
as negotiated by the host of The Celebrity Apprentice
& not the host of The Celebrity Apprentice who actually has governing experience,
the other one.
But yeah, the shocking part is that people are killing themselves.
Optimism
Wouldn’t it be wonderful
if Democrats and Republicans
set aside their differences
& came together under one roof
& then, due to decades
of neglectful infrastructure funding policy,
erosion collapsed that roof?
phrases
“Give a man a fish
& you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish
& you feed him for a lifetime.”
-Lao Tzu
“Give a man a fish
& you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish
& you feed him for a lifetime,
so clearly we need to stop teaching people how to fish.”
-leaked transcript of Lao Tzu’s paid speeches to Big Fish
Fugue for Trumpets
Prior to the train robbery itself
a portion of horses must think
on some level
that they will get on the train
with their bandit masters
& on that same level
must walk home alone
feeling
through no fault of their own
like total losers.
overcome
A completely blind chameleon
can still change its skin
to match its environment.
Similarly, deaf bats
will still fly around
like they have no idea where they’re going.
plenty of crude oil in the sea
When one spouse dies
there’s a brief window of opportunity
for an interested suitor
who wants to make their move
which comes in the twenty-four hours after the body is in the ground
but before any maggots hatch and mess up the best bits.
A glimpse into the universe where I am an educator
There is a theory
that the word “testify,” or “testimony,”
comes from the ancient Roman practice
of swearing oaths on one’s testicles,
explaining why in today’s courtrooms
the judge has a hammer.
Similarly, the saying,
“lightning never strikes the same place twice”
is of Greek origin;
reportedly, what Zeus told one-night stands
in the morning.
Now,
some of your parents have voiced concern
that I should be teaching material
more relatable to you kindergartners,
but that doesn’t mean we can’t challenge ourselves
or enjoy good literature,
so bearing that in mind, let’s all gather around
turn down the lights
and read more passages from Lolita.
**
To those of you who had no idea what Lolita was going into this,
and had to look it up, I’m so very sorry.
To those of you who are familiar with Nabokov,
please ensure I never become an English teacher
and tell your friends about Poet Robot.
-e.
period piece
I wrote a screenplay about a lady werewolf
who travels to the moons of Jupiter
which has sixty-seven moons
so she bleeds to death.*
*After multiple rejections and revisions, this piece was written on the basis that my girlfriend thinks joking about menstruation is never funny. I have been asked not to say “I told you so.”
whales
My older brother Ryan thinks whales breaching
is the most serene, beautiful sight on Earth.
Personally, I think
they’re trying to invade the sky
and are just sort of stupid,
but in a way, isn’t that beautiful too?
*
**
***
Happy New Year! I wanted to thank everyone who has ever taken the time to read my work. It has been a great personal pleasure to bring my weirdo thoughts to you. Your continued support is very much appreciated and you all have my undying gratitude. I look forward to all the giggles and cringes to come. Truly, I love you all. -e
A Narcissist Writes Letters, To Himself 