life lessons

Here’s how you end global warming through charitable efforts

1. Host a bike marathon charity fundraiser for a green initiativethat ends with the cyclists leaping off a ramp through a blazing ring of fire.
2. Replace pre-victory Gatorade Dixie cups with red cups of gasoline.
3. As the bikers cross the finish line,the spandex outfits with fake sponsors

   will catch fire, and melt into the cyclists’ skin,

   grafting them to the bike permanently

   so they can forever clog up the roads

   and make it impossible for cars to participate in the human miracle

   of the combustion engine.

So do you see how

in the end,

setting fire to fossil fuels

in the immediate proximity of eco-activists

wearing sports equipment made from an oil bi-product

turns out to be the answer to climate change after all?

That’s how that saying

“hair of the dog that bit you” works.

Cool, huh?

Okay, son,

Daddy’s gonna get another beer.

Get dressed, and I’ll drive you to school.

**

on having kids

I would love to have kids one day,

to take part in the great human tradition

of convincing children there are such magically wonderful things like Santa Clause.

I remember my own father

who tried so hard to convince us kids Father Christmas was real;

how he’d dress up as Santa every year

sneak through the house
just loud enough to wake us

come into our rooms
late at night
with his fake beard and bag

lay on top of us
and laugh.

Father & Son – A Monologue

“Son, you can be great at anything you set your mind to, but trying to be great at every single thing is unreasonable.

Think of the best people: Houdini was great at escaping, but couldn’t do any real magic & Jesus performed all kinds of crazy magic, but really sucked at escaping. So go easy on yourself.

Choose one thing you love, and you know you want to be good at, and then just do your best, and don’t rely on anyone but yourself and your own personal merits. You can’t ask for more. You’re Chinese. Affirmative action doesn’t work for you, and I’m a stereotypically withholding parent.

Also, these mangas are clearly being jerked off on. You’re not fooling anyone & the library asked me to tell you to stop.

No, doing that can’t be the one thing you’re good at.

Because there’s no career in that.

Well, yes there are people who do that professionally, but that’s not really a viable, sustainable source of income.

No, writing isn’t really bringing home the bacon either, but I don’t think you’re going to find lasting happiness doing that to ladies’ faces.

Well, yes, they do seem happy in the videos, but they’re all acting. Acting isn’t really viable either.

Pete, Pete… Your mother isn’t an actress. She’s a shoe model. You know that.

You say she does the things in the videos?

She’s in a bunch of them…

Now, Peter, can you tell me who else is in the video?

The neighbor?

Anyone else?

And the mailman…

Well the mailman and the UPS man are different people, which one?

Both…

Okay, and when did you see this happen, Peter?

Yesterday?

All of them…

More than three?

How many, Pete?

You’re not sure.

More or less than a dozen, Peter?

Around a dozen, eh?

Did you recognize any others?

Well what kind of costumes were they wearing?

Just the midgets were in costume…

How many midgets were there?

Well gosh Pete, I don’t know how many would fit in a horse costume, but I imagine more than two.

Yes, seven horses times a least two is over fourteen. Very good. You’ve always been so good at math.

No no no Peter, I’m not mad. I’m proud of you. You told the truth, and it’s clear to me you’re keeping up with your arithmetic homework. These are both good qualities.

I love you too, Petey.

Hey, sport. Your baseball bat looks like it needs polishing. Why don’t you let your old man sand and lacquer it for you?

Well, Pete, maybe sometimes aluminum bats need sanding and lacquer. Better safe than sorry, right?

I’m taking the damn bat.

Goodnight.”