The Captain’s Society for Happy Cannibals – Now Available

Hello everyone,

Tomorrow is my birthday, and as a present to myself I’ve decided to publish The Captain’s Society for Happy Cannibals in its entirety on this site for free. It’s a hobbit habit, I guess, but I feel like giving you guys something special and dear to me, since you all have given me so much already in your kind words and positive feedback. You have all brought me such great happiness, and I would like to do my best to return the favor. My initial intention was to try to get it published, but for reasons that will become immediately clear I’ve decided that this is probably a better option for everyone.

Get it here: TheCaptainsSocietyforHappyCannibalsFinal


Before you go off and read this to your kids, know that it has some adult content. This includes, but is not limited to graphic descriptions of violence, corpse mutilation, social contracts where one party negotiates for the right to defile the dead, cannibalism, group sex, masturbation, fondling low-wage workers, blasphemy, infanticide, casual racism, unquestioned misogyny and the anthropomorphic depiction of a baby pig.

Can’t imagine Penguin wanting to take a risk on that…

I wrote this piece in the summer of 2014, initially as a joke writing exercise, while trying to teach myself how to write with a fountain pen. I wanted to create “poetry” that was first and foremost, entertaining and digestible. I wanted it to be silly, and not at all try to make the author’s thoughts/feelings seem deep, misunderstood and tortured. I wanted it to be about making other people feel better; tricking them into chuckles and forcing them to be a little happier, and not a validation of my own intellect, or a showcase for all the classics I’ve read and referenced ever so discreetly between the lines. The bulk of the content was created over the course of a month and a half, with the first draft being written out on a 99 cent notebook I got at a craft store. It was one of those rare writer moments where I couldn’t wait to get home from work and write some more of it.

The plot was determined using a Dungeons & Dragons style of paper RPG rules. I created the characters and the world, gave everyone their motivations and set them loose. The idea was that I could make it exciting for me, then some of that excitement would impart on the reader. I had no idea what was going to happen. This could have easily been a two page short story, but ended up unfolding into something more wild and insane than I could have ever imagined. I know its corny to say, but the story began taking on a life of its own.

The “second draft” was actually just me typing up the transcript, trying to decipher all my fountain pen rookie splotches. At the time, though, I didn’t actually have access to a functional PC. Here’s a little peek into my process: I do 99% of the blog related stuff on my phone. I don’t have home internet. It’s distracting. I come to the library or use a coffee shop if I need it, but yeah, everything else is on the phone. Anyway, I had just learned about this Japanese phenomena of ebooks that are composed and meant to be read on smartphones. I thought it was interesting, and because I initially planned on doing a self-published Amazon type release, I figured it would be a perfect thing to experiment with. The process of typing a book into a malfunctioning iPhone 4 takes exactly as long as you think it would. A really, really long time. But it forced me to edit, which has always been my weakness as a writer. I came from the school of “first thought, best thought” because I’m lazy. After my first round of editing, I sent it off to my dear friend Alex Harvey-Gurr ( who did a second round of general clean up, and then I sat around and twiddled my thumbs for three months. Seriously, she’s really good. If you need editing/copy-editing services, she’s your girl.

This was for a number of reasons, all of which boiled down to a lack of confidence in myself. That’s when you guys came into the picture. Becoming part of this blogging community has been one of the most enriching experiences of my life. The connections and conversations I’ve had with some of you have been truly touching, validating and inspiring. You guys made me the writer I am today. You gave me the confidence and self-esteem to not need the validation of money. I have you guys. You’re all cooler than the five dollar footlongs I would have bought with all that book money.

So I guess think of this as a little party-favor in the digital gift-bag you’re getting from my imaginary birthday party. I hope you enjoy it, and that I may return some of the many smiles you’ve all given me.

All right,

I promise never to make such a long post ever again.

Shutting up.


Here’s the PDF again, in case you really hate scrolling up


A sample can be found on the page that says “The Captain’s Society for Happy Cannibals”

You can download the PDF there as well.

(Photo from check her out. She’s awesome)

I would love your help

Hello artists, photographers, illustrators and all of the visual people in between.

I am in need of your eyes.

I want your brains.

I want them and everything that comes with them.

I am self publishing a book called “THE CAPTAIN’S SOCIETY FOR HAPPY CANNIBALS” and I want you to do the cover art! If you are at all interested, please check out the page which can be found at the top of the browser for a sample. If you read it and want more, or you get inspired to do some art please get in touch! I will send you the rest of the book and we can become friends. Everyone likes making friends!! Let’s be friends!!! Friends who loan their eyeballs to other friends.

Here is a summary of the project:

This is the direct link to the sample:


Thank you for your time and consideration. You are all the best.

The Captain’s Society For Happy Cannibals

I am pleased to announce the forthcoming self-publication of a new 25,000 word epic poem called “The Captain’s Society for Happy Cannibals.”                                            <—— That’s a sample!

There are so many things about that sentence which will turn you off to this book.


Let’s start with that last one.
I use the term “poem” very loosely.

It’s not really a poem.
It is just a normal story
that happened to be written in stanzas.

Much like this!

So don’t think of it as a poem
so much as it is a story
presented in a “speed-reader friendly” format.

But I do insist on calling it “poetry.”


In my studies of poetry in college and thereafter, I have noticed an unsettling trend among established and budding poets, which is an overwhelming insistence on taking themselves seriously, and overall being kind of a bummer.

It really must end.

I do understand that for the readers of poetry, it is valuable to have a writer be able to identify with inner turmoil and pain and to be able to express those emotions in a safe environment, & of course, people should have access to deep, thought provoking philosophies.

But I feel that many of us have forgotten that at its heart, poetry is a form of entertainment.

Here are some practical problems with what I will wrongly and broadly refer to as “today’s poetry.”

1. It asks too much of the common reader.

Poetry is written for other poets. This opinion was widely accepted as truth in my college courses. There is some truly remarkable poetry out there which is completely inaccessible unless you’ve read other completely inaccessible pieces, and even if you decode all the references to works that were not written for your generation’s mind frame, the pay-off is something emotionally draining, or leaves you contemplating the meaning of existence.

That’s not a reward, poet.

2. It insists on its own importance, when clearly it is not.

You know how you get irritated when people post pictures of their food on Instagram? Poetry is that, but with writing.


Shots fired.
Billy Collins, lobsters are not women.

3. There are no explosions.

& when there are, the poet ruins it by making it about something serious like Hiroshima.


I predict The Captain’s Society for Happy Cannibals will be reviled by the poetry community, and will undoubtedly offend a portion of  readers (most likely, upper-middle class white women ages 35 and up). This is to be expected.

For nearly one hundred years now, poetry has been marred by bleak intellectualism, nihilistic philosophy & the unsolicited catharsis of negative emotions. It has made poetry irrelevant & at best a laughingstock. I don’t explicitly blame TS Eliot, but it is definitely all his fault. The most praised poems follow his formula for success: to make a work so intellectually impenetrable that one must praise it for fear of looking like fools to their peers. It teaches the reader nothing, but flaunts their ignorance in front of them. It is the tale of the Emperor’s New Clothes.
The Captain’s Society for Happy Cannibals is by no means “good poetry,” when assessed by the definition of established poets today. It does not seek to tell the truth, or present the world in a beautiful way. It is a necessary evil for our time; seeking out lowbrow humor & the deliberate misinterpretation of classics for then sake of a chuckle.
Poetry has become a city of Gotham, rotting under the weight of its own ideals. I am its Joker, & I’m asking you to light the bat signal.

(Wow, so dramatic…)



First things first, we must be considerate of the environment. Poetry is particularly bad for the planet because the text usually only takes up half (sometimes less) the page. Plus, we are in a draught, if you haven’t been reminded enough, and one page of paper requires more than a can of soda’s worth of water to produce. Not only is that absurdly wasteful, but it drives up the cost of books. You’re poor. I’m poor. This cuts out most of the middlemen.

Honesty time: I would really like to be able to write full-time, and it’s hard to do that making %15 royalty off a five dollar product. (That’s what traditionally published authors are currently making on ebook sales, and five dollars is what I’m thinking the eventual retail price will be. Don’t worry, if you’ve read this far, you’re totally getting a free copy)

People who visited this blog at its inception may have noticed that the section titled “This is an Experiment” has been taken down. After much help from some very good friends, I revised “The Book of Dave” a few times & have begun sending out manuscripts to publishers. (Yay for confidence building exercises!!) In researching the publishing process, I came upon a lot of research and data about the current state of the publishing industry, and things didn’t look too pretty. Many sources suggested that new authors may find success as a “hybrid-author” where an individual works on two projects concurrently, placing one egg in each publication basket.

(Note: The Book of Dave is way denser and fills fewer pages, another contributing factor)

I am choosing to self-publish “The Captain’s Society for Happy Cannibals” because I feel it more closely reflects the sentiments above. It was written with the intent to be as enjoyable and digestible as possible, while still maintaining quality writing. Here is the blurb I’ve been working on… If you have any suggestions on how to improve it, please leave a comment!


After surviving a plane crash on a mysterious island, the foolhardy hero (referred to as EI) preemptively resorts to the cannibalization of a deceased flight attendant, reasoning that if things will eventually come down to eating human flesh, he should do it before the meat spoils.

Little does he know that the only other survivor (and his best hope for getting off the island) is the fiancé of the woman he just ate.

Hilarity ensues as the two mismatched survivors unlock the hidden secrets to this mystical land, answering questions like, “who invented pajamas, Greek mythology and cunnilingus?”

Necrophelia, tea-cup pigs, and plenty of side boob lurk around every corner in the first dark-humor driven epic poem to be attempted, ever.



(Unless you want to start talking about Dante, and I do not)

Disclaimer: This piece contains explicit content and is not intended for the easily offended.


The Process

The first draft was composed by hand, using a fountain pen and ink well, because I’m a jackass.

This book was originally drafted as a means of practicing joke-writing. Because of this, it was written mostly without any idea of where the plot would go. I just wanted it to be as funny as I could make it. To compensate for this, I developed a sort of “Dungeons & Dragons” approach to the story. All of the characters and environments were developed first, and were then “set free” to do as they were so inclined. Actions were chosen, and their outcomes were determined by rolling various dice. This made writing the book very exciting and fun for me, and I hope some of that translates over to you.


If you would like to read the first 20 pages, follow the link or scroll to the top and check out the page!



I will be recording the audiobook over the next month or two, while also composing some original music for the audiobook. It will be…