plenty of crude oil in the sea

When one spouse dies

there’s a brief window of opportunity

for an interested suitor

who wants to make their move

 

which comes in the twenty-four hours after the body is in the ground

but before any maggots hatch and mess up the best bits.

period piece

I wrote a screenplay about a lady werewolf

who travels to the moons of Jupiter

which has sixty-seven moons

so she bleeds to death.*

 

 

 

*After multiple rejections and revisions, this piece was written on the basis that my girlfriend thinks joking about menstruation is never funny.  I have been asked not to say “I told you so.”

The ladies love a charitable guy

I’ve been spending a lot of time

working on an STD awareness campaign

targeted specifically at former lovers…

**

This piece was curated with the begrudging consent of my real life girlfriend, who insists I clearly state that we are very safe and that she is “immaculate down there.”

a shrill shriek follows me

My house is haunted by a demonic talking skull

but no one believes me

because it’s wrapped in human flesh and technically we’re dating.

**

This piece was curated with the explicit permission of my real-life girlfriend who asked I clearly state that I do not actually think she is an evil talking skull, and that I love her very, very much.

10 reasons your relationship isn’t working

Your partner loves being fingered.
You have no hands.