Coronavirus Lockdown Diary – Day 3

WE NEED MORE BEANS.

 

These are the thoughts that repeat over and over

despite my girlfriend reminding me

we have a ten-pound bag of beans.

 

But what if there are no more beans, sweetie?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

What if this is the end of beans?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

 

I’ve touched my face nine hundred thousand times.

 

In the name of conservation, I’ve eaten leftovers that will likely send me to the hospital

which is all kinds of stupid, but the leftovers have beans in them

and I’m not wasting any goddamn beans.

 

This is why everyone is hoarding toilet paper…

Bad beans.

**

I’ve just realized that there’s a little emoji robot

analyzing my tone and presenting me with an AI mood ring glimpse into my day.

(Just installed Grammarly)

It says my tone is

Disapproving

Sad

and Confused.

 

Touche, robot.

**

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make a quarantini*

and start an indoor bean farm.

 

*  a quarantini is a regular martini but served with black olives because all you thought to buy at the store were black olives and now there are no more olives.

Oh God, we need more olives.

 

Batman v Progressivism

While it may seem like crooks run the world

a gentle stream of justice shall flow through Gotham

Once Batman gets a sweet, juicy tax cut;

because nothing deters crime

like blingier batarangs

& an increased susceptibility to medical bankruptcy.

 

 

Pimp your LinkedIn/This Picnic is Filth

I’m a volunteer

anonymous life-coach

 

although I’d like to see myself

as the Gordon Ramsay

of volunteer anonymous life-coaches

 

who works primarily with small children, the elderly

or any other park-goer off put by a clown

in full military camouflage

 

& there are nine of us in the camouflage

 

but I’m the Gordon Ramsay.

My, what big wrists you have

Bannon: The Trump Presidency we fought for is DEAD

***one day later***

Trump: Thank you for protesting bigotry and hate!

 

 

It was then I felt

a great erection in the Universe

as if millions of haters cried out, “#WAR”

& were suddenly silenced by Facebook, Google, GoDaddy, Twitter, MSM, BLM, Muslims, Jews,  LGBTQs, Women, Latinos, Democrats, Republicans, Boston, The Pope, General Kelly, Heather Heyer and the sounds of their mothers saying their Meatball & Mozzarella LeanPockets were finished microwaving.

So yeah, global conspiracy confirmed

***

This piece is dedicated to Sir Richard Claxton Gregory – A true Knight of this Old Republic

You only feel bad if you can feel

Each year

more people die from suicide

than from all the world’s armed conflicts

 

An issue America will undoubtedly solve

with increased military spending

while also continuing the harvest of occupied Afghanistan’s poppy supply

(they produce 90% of the world’s opium)

which will then be made into overpriced prescription pain killers

whose exorbitant costs will be subsidized

using the public’s own money

in the form of a private health insurance subscription discount

as negotiated by the host of The Celebrity Apprentice

& not the host of The Celebrity Apprentice who actually has governing experience,

 

the other one.

 

But yeah, the shocking part is that people are killing themselves.

Optimism

Wouldn’t it be wonderful
if Democrats and Republicans
set aside their differences
& came together under one roof

& then, due to decades
of neglectful infrastructure funding policy,
erosion collapsed that roof?