period piece

I wrote a screenplay about a lady werewolf

who travels to the moons of Jupiter

which has sixty-seven moons

so she bleeds to death.*

 

 

 

*After multiple rejections and revisions, this piece was written on the basis that my girlfriend thinks joking about menstruation is never funny.  I have been asked not to say “I told you so.”

The (fill-in-the-blank) Police Department assimilate cannibals into American Culture.

Boys, let me just say,
we did a great job
introducing the cannibals to Taco Tuesday,
& we’ll call Thirsty Thursday a success.

… About Black Friday…

Again, y’all knocked it out of the park,
but for the official police record,
Black Friday was a disaster.

So let’s all put on our sad faces,
get on the TV,
& begrudgingly pretend like we give a f***.

After that,
I dunno,
how about paid leave?

Merry Christmas.

however fleeting

I’d like to think,
when I walk face first into a spider web,
there’s a brief moment
where the spider thinks it’s his lucky day

Followed quickly
by that feeling that you’ve bitten off
way more than you can chew
but like times a thousand.

fables

While fishing by the river
I saw a beaver floating on a wood plank.
“Are you okay?” I called.
The beaver on the board looked up at me
paddled over, shot me with a pistol
& said, “WELCOME TO THE GHETTO, M***** F*****.”

biomimetics

Humanity’s greatest innovations
start by studying the wild.
Our first understanding of medicine
came from watching the changes in eating habits
of sick or injured birds.

This continues today,
like how fish influence automobile aerodynamics,
or how the idea for Velcro came from burs on a dog
or the way bees taught the beauty industry
how to build an empire using, almost exclusively, bulimia.

Perks of the Industry

In Amsterdam

if someone dies without a next of kin

and no one attends their funeral

a poet is hired to write and recite a piece for their service.

It doesn’t pay a whole lot

but at least I can start writing off

those vats of homemade “hobo poison”

as a tax deductible business expense.

relatable meme generator

That awkward moment when

you and your ninja buddies

throw a surprise birthday party

for your other ninja pal

& you totally get him with the surprise

but then later everyone is standing around eating cake thinking,

“Haha, we could have murdered Dave.”