I wrote a screenplay about a lady werewolf
who travels to the moons of Jupiter
which has sixty-seven moons
so she bleeds to death.*
*After multiple rejections and revisions, this piece was written on the basis that my girlfriend thinks joking about menstruation is never funny. I have been asked not to say “I told you so.”
Boys, let me just say,
we did a great job
introducing the cannibals to Taco Tuesday,
& we’ll call Thirsty Thursday a success.
… About Black Friday…
Again, y’all knocked it out of the park,
but for the official police record,
Black Friday was a disaster.
So let’s all put on our sad faces,
get on the TV,
& begrudgingly pretend like we give a f***.
how about paid leave?
I’d like to think,
when I walk face first into a spider web,
there’s a brief moment
where the spider thinks it’s his lucky day
by that feeling that you’ve bitten off
way more than you can chew
but like times a thousand.
While fishing by the river
I saw a beaver floating on a wood plank.
“Are you okay?” I called.
The beaver on the board looked up at me
paddled over, shot me with a pistol
& said, “WELCOME TO THE GHETTO, M***** F*****.”
a study reported
that hired assassins
had extremely low divorce rates
which I found surprising since they’re… oh
Humanity’s greatest innovations
start by studying the wild.
Our first understanding of medicine
came from watching the changes in eating habits
of sick or injured birds.
This continues today,
like how fish influence automobile aerodynamics,
or how the idea for Velcro came from burs on a dog
or the way bees taught the beauty industry
how to build an empire using, almost exclusively, bulimia.
if someone dies without a next of kin
and no one attends their funeral
a poet is hired to write and recite a piece for their service.
It doesn’t pay a whole lot
but at least I can start writing off
those vats of homemade “hobo poison”
as a tax deductible business expense.
That awkward moment when
you and your ninja buddies
throw a surprise birthday party
for your other ninja pal
& you totally get him with the surprise
but then later everyone is standing around eating cake thinking,
“Haha, we could have murdered Dave.”
To me, the saddest thing in the world
would be a hungry, yet hopeful vulture
optimistically flying into a zombie wasteland.
I’ve added a new page to this site. If you would like me to do a show in your town, go to the “Let’s do a tour?” page (https://notesfromanarcissist.wordpress.com/lets-do-a-tour/) and leave a comment.
Thanks and happy Monday,