A glimpse into the universe where I am an educator

There is a theory

that the word “testify,” or “testimony,”

comes from the ancient Roman practice

of swearing oaths on one’s testicles,

explaining why in today’s courtrooms

the judge has a hammer.

Similarly, the saying,

“lightning never strikes the same place twice”

is of Greek origin;

reportedly, what Zeus told one-night stands

in the morning.

Now,

some of your parents have voiced concern

that I should be teaching material

more relatable to you kindergartners,

but that doesn’t mean we can’t challenge ourselves

or enjoy good literature,

so bearing that in mind, let’s all gather around

turn down the lights

and read more passages from Lolita.

**

To those of you who had no idea what Lolita was going into this,

and had to look it up, I’m so very sorry.

To those of you who are familiar with Nabokov,

please ensure I never become an English teacher

and tell your friends about Poet Robot.

-e.

period piece

I wrote a screenplay about a lady werewolf

who travels to the moons of Jupiter

which has sixty-seven moons

so she bleeds to death.*

 

 

 

*After multiple rejections and revisions, this piece was written on the basis that my girlfriend thinks joking about menstruation is never funny.  I have been asked not to say “I told you so.”

whales

My older brother Ryan thinks whales breaching

is the most serene, beautiful sight on Earth.

 

Personally, I think

they’re trying to invade the sky

and are just sort of stupid,

 

but in a way, isn’t that beautiful too?

 

 

 

 

*

**

***

 

Happy New Year! I wanted to thank everyone who has ever taken the time to read my work. It has been a great personal pleasure to bring my weirdo thoughts to you. Your continued support is very much appreciated and you all have my undying gratitude.  I look forward to all the giggles and cringes to come. Truly, I love you all. -e

& on the seventh day

“I briefly considered a universe where chickens were the dominant species

& every morning ate scrambled placenta with bacon.

The problem was getting men to wake up at four in the morning

& scream at the sun in unison for no reason.”

 

-God, on rest.

fables

While fishing by the river
I saw a beaver floating on a wood plank.
“Are you okay?” I called.
The beaver on the board looked up at me
paddled over, shot me with a pistol
& said, “WELCOME TO THE GHETTO, M***** F*****.”

relatable meme generator

That awkward moment when

you and your ninja buddies

throw a surprise birthday party

for your other ninja pal

& you totally get him with the surprise

but then later everyone is standing around eating cake thinking,

“Haha, we could have murdered Dave.”

This glass at half capacity

Under certain perspectives

everyday life looks tragic and dull

like watching a mime with no arms.

Yet with a bit of healthy detachment

and noticing little things

perhaps a powerful breeze

it can be beautiful, rich and quite often hilarious,

like watching a mime with no arms.