My older brother Ryan thinks whales breaching
is the most serene, beautiful sight on Earth.
Personally, I think
they’re trying to invade the sky
and are just sort of stupid,
but in a way, isn’t that beautiful too?
Happy New Year! I wanted to thank everyone who has ever taken the time to read my work. It has been a great personal pleasure to bring my weirdo thoughts to you. Your continued support is very much appreciated and you all have my undying gratitude. I look forward to all the giggles and cringes to come. Truly, I love you all. -e
Boys, let me just say,
we did a great job
introducing the cannibals to Taco Tuesday,
& we’ll call Thirsty Thursday a success.
… About Black Friday…
Again, y’all knocked it out of the park,
but for the official police record,
Black Friday was a disaster.
So let’s all put on our sad faces,
get on the TV,
& begrudgingly pretend like we give a f***.
how about paid leave?
“I briefly considered a universe where chickens were the dominant species
& every morning ate scrambled placenta with bacon.
The problem was getting men to wake up at four in the morning
& scream at the sun in unison for no reason.”
-God, on rest.
I’d like to think,
when I walk face first into a spider web,
there’s a brief moment
where the spider thinks it’s his lucky day
by that feeling that you’ve bitten off
way more than you can chew
but like times a thousand.
While fishing by the river
I saw a beaver floating on a wood plank.
“Are you okay?” I called.
The beaver on the board looked up at me
paddled over, shot me with a pistol
& said, “WELCOME TO THE GHETTO, M***** F*****.”
a study reported
that hired assassins
had extremely low divorce rates
which I found surprising since they’re… oh
Humanity’s greatest innovations
start by studying the wild.
Our first understanding of medicine
came from watching the changes in eating habits
of sick or injured birds.
This continues today,
like how fish influence automobile aerodynamics,
or how the idea for Velcro came from burs on a dog
or the way bees taught the beauty industry
how to build an empire using, almost exclusively, bulimia.
if someone dies without a next of kin
and no one attends their funeral
a poet is hired to write and recite a piece for their service.
It doesn’t pay a whole lot
but at least I can start writing off
those vats of homemade “hobo poison”
as a tax deductible business expense.
That awkward moment when
you and your ninja buddies
throw a surprise birthday party
for your other ninja pal
& you totally get him with the surprise
but then later everyone is standing around eating cake thinking,
“Haha, we could have murdered Dave.”