Just because you make an organic version of something
doesn’t mean it is necessarily “sustainable,”
for instance whack-a-mole.
*
*
If these walls could talk
hanging art
would involve a lot of baffled screaming.
*
*
*
I wanted to go cow tipping,
but I dunno, what do you tip a cow?
A centipede with a foot fetish
has a genetic predisposition
for being really, really happy.
Although forever unknown
I wouldn’t be all that surprised
if the guy who invented chess
had a horse with ADHD
who was very easily distracted
& would make really abrupt ninety degree turns
every third step or so.
**
The Impasse
“No, Officer
I don’t have a handicap placard per say,
but I did get these jeans at a discount for being irregular,
and they fit perfectly,
So… I’m not paying this ticket.”
A laser sight makes murder too easy.
You could be the worst sniper in the world
use the laser sight
& kill a whole lot of cats.
*
The JFK assassination would have played out a lot differently
if we elected cats to the presidency.
You’d watch the Zapurruder film
& after the first shot
John Furry Kittendy Jr.
would see the laser
& bat the back of the Texas Governpurr’s hat.
At the end
Jackie Meowcatsus
would still climb out the back
to get scraps of skull and brain,
but to eat them.
***
I promise I will never make another cat pun for the rest of my writing career.
E.I
I want to stop animal cruelty and be kinder to our fellow creatures,
But that’s a lot of work,
So I’m just meaner to people instead.
A firefly’s light
lights every direction
except the direction the firefly is facing
& presumably traveling
which must be frustrating for the firefly
& might explain why you always see them in groups
hovering aimlessly in circles…
“No, Bob. You fly backwards by me
Keith spins in a circle
& I try to figure out where the frick Carole went.
She went flying off into the woods
once that bird started chasing her.
Carole’s great at escaping,
but I don’t know
as a species
we’re really easy to follow
at night…”
I had an idea for a superhero named Mothman.
He’s just like Batman
but when you light the Moth-signal
he gets there way faster.
***
Hey guys,
In a continued effort to not be annoying, I’m consolidating a few “update” posts with this one. I have added a new section to “Detective’s Log” and there is a new page up.
https://notesfromanarcissist.wordpress.com/donate/
There you can find a link to a chapbook titled “Tin Lion.” (It’s a deceptive way of saying “heartless coward”) I could not have put it together without all your helpful feedback, so thank you for reading, following, liking and commenting. Your validation has become a useful tool for fighting the weight of everyday mundane anguish.
Just as a warning, if you’ve been a long time follower, you’ve probably read a good portion of the content in “Tin Lion.” There are a few new things that have never been on this blog, but if that isn’t enough to sway you, don’t worry about it. If you really want to read that content, email me or something and I’ll get it to you.
Thanks,
-e
Maybe a plowed field is also a large scale donkey-based hieroglyphic written language which translates roughly into, “get me the fuck out of this harness.”
Maybe we are all unaware that there are also tiny Targets
inside giant Pizza Huts.
& maybe it takes four licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop,
but that owl is a cunnilingus warlock.
When my dog gets to heaven, I hope God has a beard. I hope he’s an old white guy with a beard because my dog historically did not like the facially haired. They would get into a thing, and then Patches would go to hell where we could hang out in damnation forever, because I’m a terrible person who wants his dog to bite God for making shitty rules about lifespans, so obviously I’m going to hell. But really if you have your dog in hell then how bad could it be?
See how I just zinged God and his stupid rules?
Now give my fucking dog back, You cunt.
Sorry God, I didn’t mean that.
It’s just that I’m really hurting now and
LOOK OVER THERE.
RUN PATCHES! COME BACK TO ME!
NO, DONT WORRY ABOUT GOD
HES OLD AND FORGIVING. YOU GOT THIS.
Yeah, I know you’re forgiving too, Patches.
You’re the best.
I love you.
I love you so much.
It is a common practice in anger management to write letters to those you perceive in an ill light, but to never actually send them. It is also common practice to project your own unhappiness about your situation onto others as a means of avoiding blame. The Internet has conveniently combined these two activities in a service known as Yelp.
I don’t have a Yelp account registered, but that doesn’t prevent me from logging on and reading way much about people’s lives in the context of how much they like or don’t like Payless shoes.
Life got the better of me these last few days, and after an experience at the vet this morning, I found myself so incensed that I downloaded the Yelp app and wrote my first negative review.
Before sending it though, I took a step back and had lunch with a friend. We went to the bluegrass festival and walked around for a bit. I came back to the review, glad I never sent it. Why? Because so many things happened that I didn’t want my bad day to effect the livelihoods of others, whether they did something to me or not. I still do not agree with many of the things the vet did, AND THEY ALL ACTUALLY HAPPENED but at the end of the day, Patches is okay, & happy as ever. I have however, copied it below, simply because I think it’s still enjoyable to read and it highlights some of the more ridiculous outcomes of San Francisco’s sometimes oppressively accepting attitude.
So for your consideration, here is what a bad Yelp review from me would look like:
Balboa Pet Hospital
If you want to give your pet unproven Chinese herbs and electric needle voodoo, then this is the place for you!!! If you want science and respect for your culture, then maybe try one of those dumb corporate vets, run by the man.
My dog hurt a leg, and was limping so I went in to just make sure everything was fine. She was clearly just limping on one leg. Our doctor came in in a homemade silk robe with pictures of animal skeletons.
How comforting.
His diagnostic procedure went like this: Your dog’s leg and neck hurts? Ok, what I’m going to do is put a ton of stress on that point until she yelps in pain. Ok she hurts there. How do I know? Because the dog is freaking out.
You know,
Science.
He then told me, “Yes, her neck is hurt. I can give her Advil as a painkiller.” Yep, that’s what I expected. (I won’t go into how the Advil cost twenty dollars, that’s just how city vets are, according to my vet school friends. Business is business.)
So fine, I’ll buy a twenty dollar Advil. Why not? Human hospitals do the same thing.
But then he turns to me and says there is an alternative! He is personally trained to administer acupuncture to dogs!
As a point in practice, try this for me.
Say the words, “Hello! I’d like to get my dog acupuncture, please!” And don’t laugh.
See?
It’s impossible.
So let’s break it down.
To make sure my dog is hurt,
You hurt the dog.
Then you offer the solution,
Which is stabbing my dog with needles
& running electricity through them.
But wait, that’s not all. He also offered to give my dog, “Chinese herbs.”
Oh, that sounds interesting? What kind?
“A blend.” He says.
Can you speak more to that?
“There’s a lot of stuff in it.”
What kind of stuff?
“A lot of things.”
Can you tell me what it does?
“It helps me.”
Oh! Personal, unverified anecdotal evidence? My favorite! And it’s good to know you experiment on yourself too.
After prodding him a little, he couldn’t tell me what was in the herbs, or what any of the components was supposed to do. He was basically banking on the “it’s an ancient Chinese secret,” thing, which honestly may have been alright, and not weirdly racist, if I wasn’t Chinese and he wasn’t a white guy, and he wasn’t telling me how wonderful and misunderstood the medical techniques of my people were.
He showed me the bottle, and it looked like algae powder, or spirulina. Now, if he said it was algae, or spirulina or anything really in concrete English and/or Chinese even, I might let it slide, so at least I could Google something. But the label was so worn and old, I couldn’t even be sure that this was the original container. It could have been refilled countless times with whatever.
What kind of container was it? A sealed glass bottle, or perhaps something that DIDN’T look like a value sized Folger’s pre-ground coffee container? Nope. Folger’s box is good.
I really wanted to stay off yelp, so I went in a few months later to for a visit and to make a formal complaint in person. They were highly dismissive and defensive. The vet’s defense of him was, he’s an interesting guy. Kind of a hippie. He was born at Woodstock! So he’s not racist.
Cool. Not a racist,
But probably had LSD in his placenta.
I asked a vet tech (fellow Asian) if he thought it was all on the up and up. He said yes, unconvincingly, again offering unverified anecdotal evidence. I asked him if he would let Hippie Longstocking stick him with needles. He said no. The doctor wasn’t trained to do it on humans. But I was assured that Dr. Windchime Scissorhands had studied eastern medicine extensively. Which is comforting. You know, how there are doctors of ufology, and Canadians with degrees in Beatles history? He’s like that but with stabbing your dog with needles.
Interestingly enough, human acupuncture in San Francisco is a fraction of the price of dog acupuncture, and I’m thinking that’s because there is not really any competition for dog acupuncture in the area, because it’s not a real thing…
I won’t be negative though.
This place is perfect if you live in San Francisco, don’t have a car, are within walking distance, and you have an old dog who can’t walk much farther. Or maybe you’re someone who likes to experiment with your pet.
They also claimed that it is California law to have a vet give a full exam at most one month before a rabies vaccine can be given. That sounded like nonsense to me because even human doctors will forego the semantics of a routine physical if you’ve had one in the last year or six months. I did some research on the matter, and that happens to be a lie. I read the California laws on rabies while in the exam, pointed it out that the law said no such thing, and was told, “I don’t know the specific law.” Really? I do. Here’s the link.
Click to access CA-RabiesLawsRegulations.pdf
So there’s that too. Now, what they should have said was that it was a liability issue. If they give your dog a shot without checking stuff out and it dies, then they are at fault. But to say they are bound by law is deceptive. So if you like doctors who make up laws for the protection of your pet (sorry, I mean themselves), these are the people for you.
My only suggestion for change is the name. “Balboa Pet Hospital” sounds so boring and medical. They should try to be true to themselves, and what they believe in. How about “Balboa Voodoo Shack?”
“Balboa Acupuncture For Dogs: No Really, We’re Serious”
“Balboa Center for the Misappropriation of Chinese Culture”
Or BCMCC for short.
Either way,
Five stars.
A Narcissist Writes Letters, To Himself 