Sergeant & Soldier – An Iraq War 3 Speech

Now men, we will be re-entering Iraqi airspace at 0400 hours, but before we do that I just want to clear up a few things.

As of now, it is very important for our image that when speaking with the locals you must maintain the notion that our mission was indeed accomplished, and that our presence today should be seen as a kind of “bonus round.”

Yes, Johnson,
“going for a hat trick” is also an acceptable metaphor.

No, I don’t think they have hockey here, but you’re more than welcome to try to explain it to them. They’re free hats. Who doesn’t get that?

No, O’Beid, you will not actually be receiving hats.

Moving right along,
while we ask that you continue to deliver that excellent 5 star service we’re striving for on Yelp, there are a few things I do need to go over from the higher-ups.

Firstly, and most importantly, drawing pictures of the prophet Muhammed on buildings as a means of marking air strike targets is no longer an acceptable tactic.

Did it help save valuable resources by enticing the locals into destroying their own infrastructure? Yes, but as I said before, my superiors have made it very clear that this is “not an appropriate long game strategy for developing peaceful international relations.”

Similarly, we got word back from our legal experts and apparently tattooing prisoners of war with cartoons of the prophet Muhammed, is technically “unusual” and arguably “cruel” in regards to the “cruel and unusual” rule.

Secondly, as you may have heard in the news, the armed forces has come under heavy fire from several women’s interest groups regarding sexual assault, and a generally unsafe working environment for women. This is completely unacceptable.

If I could have everyone open their mission kit, thank you. Now the ladies in our platoon may notice an extra roll of duct tape and a black plastic strap-on phallus. This is a military grade equalizer. Put it on, tape those boobs back and welcome to 1st class citizenship.

No, no, put it on now, Johnson. You’re one of the boys now, just strip down and strap on.

Ok while she is getting equalized, I do have some bad news. The drone strike app we were hoping for has been delayed, and the criteria for calling in a drone strike has been made more strict.

No, Johnson, that buckle goes around back. Really pull it tight. Do you need help? Phillips, help Johnson with the equalization package.

Anyway, “brownish skin and glaring” are no longer acceptable as reasons for deploying drones. Ok? They have to be really, really, unquestionably brown. If you have any confusion, just use the rule of thumb: if they are darker than the skin on your thumb, it’s probably okay.

Jackson, Jefferson and O’Beid, for you guys the rule of thumb is,

Lighter than the top part
Darker than your palm side.
Like in the middle.

Or, if you’re confused,
command has recommended you download the Lowe’s or Home Depot app, and use their wallpaper color finder. Anything between caramel macchiato and dark mahogany is a go.

If you’re still having trouble,
consult our legal advisor, Hernandez.
If they’re as dark as Hernandez,
Go for it.

Finally, and I cannot stress this point enough, I’ve been told to remind everyone that an IED and an IUD are completely different things and are not at all interchangeable.

Not only has that caused several catastrophic misunderstandings, but it’s a really big mess.

Yes, Jefferson, IEDs technically have the capacity to control birth, but you understand how severely upsetting that incident in Mosul was for everyone involved?

Ok, unless anyone has any questions, I would say that was meeting met.

Johnson?

Well if you have to pee, ask one of your brothers in arms to help you with the buckles. We’re all men here. No homo.

Seriously,
No homo.
It’s against the rules.

Just Celebrate Columbus Day

Yes. He sucked. But I, like you, could really use a day off, so let’s try to find that silver lining behind genocide and see what we can celebrate about Columbus Day.

There’s the great American tradition of fucking people over.

You know how your mom would discipline you for stealing cookies by rapping you on the hand with a spatula or something? Columbus did that too! Just with swords…

If we didn’t rape and kill all those indigenous people there would be no pumpkin spice latte.

Because, and by extension….

If Columbus didn’t put everyone on edge there would be no need for Thanksgiving & then there would be no Thanksgiving meal, no day off of nothing but football, awkward conversations with distant relatives, spongebob floats or cheap laptops on Black Friday.

If we didn’t feel bad about screwing over Native Americans, Cache Creek would just be a creek, and we wouldn’t get to gamble in California, you’d have to actually spend time with the elderly in your family.

With no Columbus Day, I wouldn’t be on my way to get a Costco pizza, quite possibly the greatest of all pizzas, right now, with my blue-haired girlfriend. She wouldn’t be singing Liza Minnelli, and I wouldn’t be explaining how the reserve light on her gas meter works, again.

I wouldn’t have seen the beach
With rolling waves
& post-brunch strollers
And had a crazy hankering for sea salt in a pumpkin spice caramel latte.

I wouldn’t have wondered if Starbucks even did such a thing
Nor would I have questioned my own sexuality for thinking that…

I would have questioned my sexuality anyway,
because my girlfriend showed me gay porn this morning

Just to see if it did anything for me

But I wouldn’t have seen that gay porn
If it weren’t for Christopher Columbus kind-of-discovering America.

Also, if it weren’t for Columbus and the eventual founding of America, the there wouldn’t have been the widespread persecution of the American LGBT community, and then we wouldn’t have all those lovely parades and street fairs in San Francisco.

…Wait no, they would have been persecuted no matter where they were or who they were living with…

Just like the Native Americans.

Happy Columbus Day.