Dear Governor Brown,
Over the past few weeks, you may have received a number of suspiciously similar emails from “Californians” voicing their support for my nomination to the position of Poet Laureate. Of said emails, which by my estimate may have been about a dozen, at least one may or may not have invented sexual acts based on your wife, the first lady Anne Gust Brown, who I am assured is a very lovely and respectable woman.
I was not made privy to the details, so one can only speculate as to what those acts entailed. While we may surmise that Lady Brown’s tenure as CEO of the GAP would encourage imagery that might or might not conflate the “GAP” with an orifice of the human anatomy, it would be shameful to do so and on behalf of your digital “constituents” I apologize. I’m sure the Lady Brown is a kind and modest woman. In fact, did you know you can rearrange the letters in Anne Gust Brown to “non-breast gun,” which is Latin for, “not of the kind, or class: breast gun?” As if to think our illustrious governor would go and marry a pistol fit to fire nipples, or one of those Austen Powers sex robots… Although if he did, good for him. That’s a very rare marriage equality/second amendment twofer.
Anyhoodle, hope this clears things up and that there are no hard feelings.
Best of luck with the drought,