Join me

As a kid
I used to play in the dryer.

Even then,
tumbling upside-down
pretending to be the boulder
chasing Indiana Jones,

I knew
one day
I would be a critically acclaimed poet.

**
*
**

Hello everyone.

After a confusing chain of emails
between the state government and myself
I learned that I was officially nominated
to become the Poet Laureate of California.

At first I thought I was being trolled
but have since learned that they were real government people
trying to fill an actual government position.

So I am officially launching my campaign
for the position of Poet Laureate
even though the job is not decided by any vote.
There’s no democracy.
The governor just picks a guy. (or girl)

“Then Eric, why launch a campaign?”

Because the governor has an email address.

You can contact him here:

https://govnews.ca.gov/gov39mail/mail.php

& you can tell him whatever you want.

“Well Eric, of course I support you, but what should I say to him?”

Gee, I dunno…
Off the top of my head?
Like some sort of fill-in-the blank,
copy-paste document?
Maybe something along the lines of,

**
Dear Governor Brown,

I, (your name here), resident of (city within the state of California) encourage you to select Eric “E.I.” Wong to the position of Poet Laureate. Mr. Wong’s work is (positive adjective), (even more positive adjective) and easy on the eyes. One might even say his poetry is critical to the cannon of American literature, and even the English language. My words, not his. Mr. Wong himself is an upstanding citizen, with a caliber of likeability equivalent to (beloved costumed vigilante), but unlike (beloved costumed vigilante) you can see his face, and guess what? Mr. Wong is pretty easy on the eyes.

Mr. Wong in no way promised sexual favors in exchange for support of his fake campaign. Even though I love (your favorite sexual favor) and I would have happily exchanged the time it took to personally write this letter for said sexual favor, Mr. Wong is a man of such high integrity that despite multiple requests to (sexual favor) each other, he very politely declined.

He really is a great guy, independent of being exceedingly easy on the eyes.

Sincerely,

(your name here)

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84 thoughts on “Join me

  1. This post made me LOL, seriously. πŸ˜€
    I doubt that someone from Australia would have much impact on your Governor, but if you need any testimonials regarding your sense of humour, I’d be happy to oblige. I think I’m going to enjoy your posts. cheers, Meeks

  2. I guess i must leave my life in NZ and move to California so I can fully support your bid. Or become your nemesis as the masked laureate of California Mwe hee hee hee . I am so conflicted. 😈

  3. I will admit that when I read the title I heard Darth Vader say: “Join me and I shall complete your training.”
    I wonder if that is what happens when poets become poet laureates? Anyway, awesome piece. πŸ™‚

  4. About 3 sentences into reading that template letter I thought, “if this was me, I’d putting something in there about being a great lover or offering sexual favours”. And then you did. You are brilliant and congratulations on the nomination.

    Thank you for liking my post [http://wp.me/p268u8-Dz].

  5. I’m really sorry but this had 365 likes before I went and turned it into a leap year.
    I wish I lived in California so I could copy-paste the shit out of that impeccable letter. Hope you get it!

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