The Captain’s Society for Happy Cannibals – Now Available

Hello everyone,

Tomorrow is my birthday, and as a present to myself I’ve decided to publish The Captain’s Society for Happy Cannibals in its entirety on this site for free. It’s a hobbit habit, I guess, but I feel like giving you guys something special and dear to me, since you all have given me so much already in your kind words and positive feedback. You have all brought me such great happiness, and I would like to do my best to return the favor. My initial intention was to try to get it published, but for reasons that will become immediately clear I’ve decided that this is probably a better option for everyone.

Get it here: TheCaptainsSocietyforHappyCannibalsFinal


Before you go off and read this to your kids, know that it has some adult content. This includes, but is not limited to graphic descriptions of violence, corpse mutilation, social contracts where one party negotiates for the right to defile the dead, cannibalism, group sex, masturbation, fondling low-wage workers, blasphemy, infanticide, casual racism, unquestioned misogyny and the anthropomorphic depiction of a baby pig.

Can’t imagine Penguin wanting to take a risk on that…

I wrote this piece in the summer of 2014, initially as a joke writing exercise, while trying to teach myself how to write with a fountain pen. I wanted to create “poetry” that was first and foremost, entertaining and digestible. I wanted it to be silly, and not at all try to make the author’s thoughts/feelings seem deep, misunderstood and tortured. I wanted it to be about making other people feel better; tricking them into chuckles and forcing them to be a little happier, and not a validation of my own intellect, or a showcase for all the classics I’ve read and referenced ever so discreetly between the lines. The bulk of the content was created over the course of a month and a half, with the first draft being written out on a 99 cent notebook I got at a craft store. It was one of those rare writer moments where I couldn’t wait to get home from work and write some more of it.

The plot was determined using a Dungeons & Dragons style of paper RPG rules. I created the characters and the world, gave everyone their motivations and set them loose. The idea was that I could make it exciting for me, then some of that excitement would impart on the reader. I had no idea what was going to happen. This could have easily been a two page short story, but ended up unfolding into something more wild and insane than I could have ever imagined. I know its corny to say, but the story began taking on a life of its own.

The “second draft” was actually just me typing up the transcript, trying to decipher all my fountain pen rookie splotches. At the time, though, I didn’t actually have access to a functional PC. Here’s a little peek into my process: I do 99% of the blog related stuff on my phone. I don’t have home internet. It’s distracting. I come to the library or use a coffee shop if I need it, but yeah, everything else is on the phone. Anyway, I had just learned about this Japanese phenomena of ebooks that are composed and meant to be read on smartphones. I thought it was interesting, and because I initially planned on doing a self-published Amazon type release, I figured it would be a perfect thing to experiment with. The process of typing a book into a malfunctioning iPhone 4 takes exactly as long as you think it would. A really, really long time. But it forced me to edit, which has always been my weakness as a writer. I came from the school of “first thought, best thought” because I’m lazy. After my first round of editing, I sent it off to my dear friend Alex Harvey-Gurr ( who did a second round of general clean up, and then I sat around and twiddled my thumbs for three months. Seriously, she’s really good. If you need editing/copy-editing services, she’s your girl.

This was for a number of reasons, all of which boiled down to a lack of confidence in myself. That’s when you guys came into the picture. Becoming part of this blogging community has been one of the most enriching experiences of my life. The connections and conversations I’ve had with some of you have been truly touching, validating and inspiring. You guys made me the writer I am today. You gave me the confidence and self-esteem to not need the validation of money. I have you guys. You’re all cooler than the five dollar footlongs I would have bought with all that book money.

So I guess think of this as a little party-favor in the digital gift-bag you’re getting from my imaginary birthday party. I hope you enjoy it, and that I may return some of the many smiles you’ve all given me.

All right,

I promise never to make such a long post ever again.

Shutting up.


Here’s the PDF again, in case you really hate scrolling up


A sample can be found on the page that says “The Captain’s Society for Happy Cannibals”

You can download the PDF there as well.

(Photo from check her out. She’s awesome)

34 thoughts on “The Captain’s Society for Happy Cannibals – Now Available

  1. Super post, Eric. I can’t wait to read it. I’ve only visited here a few times due to my late arrival to the party, but have always walked away laughing, or whispering to myself, holy shit. They’re both perfectly natural cellular responses to creative genius. And happy birthday!


  2. Oh HELL YEAH!!!

    You used my photo! ::beams:: I feel so honored. ^_^
    Also, congrats on making it another round on planet earth! I’m coming up to my own day of birth in May. ;P Anyways, I will most definitely get to reading this. Not tonight, but very soon! [as I’ve already read a good portion, and loved it!]

    Thanks again for the credit. I was really hoping you’d use it, cause it just fit so perfectly. ^_^


    • P.S. I’ve been having issues with my flash player and other things on my computer lately (as it is sadly dying a slow death by fan, and the like)- My question is, does the photo actually show in the PDF? I can’t see it. I’m just assuming it’s there! XD

      If you do need the original or something just lemme know. I’d be more than happy to supply you with such. ^_^

      • The photo is not in the actual PDF itself. My computer/design skills are terrible. I hope to make up some physical copies eventually, and if that is the case then I may ask for a copy if that’s okay with you. We can talk about all the nitty gritty stuff too, because I think your work is great and that you should get some financial compensation for your endeavors. You can shoot me an email through the gravatar I think. If not, I’m sure we could find some discreet way of getting in touch. Thanks so much again for sending me the photo in the first place!!!

  3. Happy Belated Birthday, you magnificent bastard! Thanks for the free swag, yo…you had me at “corpse mutilation”… I look forward to reading this piece in all of its beastly, gruesome glory!

    – Wherein the author employs an insulting derogation as a term of manly endearment…

  4. Happy Birthday Eric 🙂 I started reading your book yesterday and I find it quite appealing. I love your sense of humor about things I thank you for sharing it. I really enjoy this blog, thank you for letting us all into your world.

  5. I just read this all in a single sitting which might have been a good idea or a bad idea. I can’t really tell yet. We’ll see how the rest of my day turns out. Happy belated birthday ‘n thanks for the good reads! Totally dug it.

  6. This is really inspiring stuff man! Thanks for liking my post, by the way. I’ve dealt with a lack of self-confidence in myself for a long time. It’s only been recently that I’ve made the decision that my writing has some value, so much so that I’ve made taken the steps to get my masters degree in creative writing. Most of my energy goes into school work and this blog: the sober day recovery blog is actually a project for a digital writing class but I wanted to do something useful with it (for me and anybody else). I’m looking forward to reading the rest of your stuff.

  7. Great blog, man. You have a gift for wit…much lacking in much poetry these days. Perhaps with the fame of 50 Shades, and you cut down the list of adult content to, say, five or six, maybe Penguin just might…

  8. I read your story, the whole thing a couple of nights ago. LOL! That is some imagination on you, “Crazy!” Your nickname from now on, “CRAZY” I thought, I was crazy – I’m crazy jr now. HA! If I ever see you at the airport I will scream, while running away. I thoroughly, enjoyed it. I picture the cover of the book as one of those MAD cartoon
    types that are creepy. I hope you know what I mean. I have an image but the page won’t allow me to insert here.
    everyday, is your birthday!

    • Thanks so much, Andrea! I am glad you enjoyed it. If I see someone screaming, running away from me, I’ll be sure to chase after you screaming even louder, but with gratitude and warm thanks.

  9. Hi I loved reading The Captain’s Society for Happy Cannibals, it was hilarious, original and genius, I was engaged and laughing the whole way through and couldn’t stop reading. I’ve recommended it to some of my more like-minded friends knowing they will love it just as much as me (this was definitely my kind of comedy). I’m really intrigued as to the way you crafted the story line using an RPG system and how much control you kept and how much you let it run free. This was a brilliant and interesting idea and as someone you occasionally plays RPG’s I’d love it if you could elaborate on the details.

    • Thank you! Well, I started by developing the personalities of the speaker and the Captain. They were literally assigned character sheets with attributes, skill sets and tendencies. For this one, I just used a d6 and a d12. (In the Detective’s Log, I expanded the concept to include a d4, d8, and d20.) Anytime there was a “choice” to be made by either character, I would write down a list of possible actions that would be within the character’s personality (between 2 and 6 options) and then I would roll a die to see which option that character would select. Then based on the situation, I would do another roll to see whether or not their action succeeded (ie. 1 point for being tired, 1 point for hunger, 1 point for dehydration, 1 point for recovering from plane crash, for a total of 4 points resistance. Therefore to climb a tree, the character would have to roll above a 4). The creation of Sue the pig was determined by dice roll. The only time I intervened was when the narrator gets stabbed in the chest and “nearly” killed. I knew it would be a terrible place to end the book, so as the “God of this world” I intervened by sending in the High Priestess. She was the only character whose actions I did not govern with dice. She was inspired by the books “She” “Heart of Darkness” and Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal.”

      Sorry if that was a lot of info all at once. Hope it helps answer your question!

      • No that was good, I’m glad you elaborated in so much detail. I think the randomness was what made the story so intriguing and organic, it also set allowed lots of comedic moments. So every time he masturbated was a possible action dictated by a dice roll, and his failed descent from the tree was a failed dice roll, etc etc (am I on the right track?). Did you decide on the actions of the natives and dictate when they would appear?.RPG is a great catalyst for the imagination, obviously the story succeeds largely due to your innately strong imagination and your ability to describe the characters in such a funny way. I loved the concept of an almost communist style world where the only way to encourage 100% commitment to the cause is a sophisticated cannibalistic system, it was very clever. I’ll have to read the detective log (and those three books).

    • Thanks so much for all your kindness, Alex. I admire the great diversity in your body of work, and how willing you are to help authors. Your About page claims that you are socially awkward, but I find you to be a truly charming correspondent. I’m glad you enjoy my work. I certainly enjoy yours.

      • This is the nicest thing anyone has said to me.. So thank you. 🙂 And you should meet me in person.. You’ll know how socially awkward I really am. But people are never weird on the Internet (almost). And you are a really good writer and all good works should be appreciated. 😀

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s