Yes. He sucked. But I, like you, could really use a day off, so let’s try to find that silver lining behind genocide and see what we can celebrate about Columbus Day.
There’s the great American tradition of fucking people over.
You know how your mom would discipline you for stealing cookies by rapping you on the hand with a spatula or something? Columbus did that too! Just with swords…
If we didn’t rape and kill all those indigenous people there would be no pumpkin spice latte.
Because, and by extension….
If Columbus didn’t put everyone on edge there would be no need for Thanksgiving & then there would be no Thanksgiving meal, no day off of nothing but football, awkward conversations with distant relatives, spongebob floats or cheap laptops on Black Friday.
If we didn’t feel bad about screwing over Native Americans, Cache Creek would just be a creek, and we wouldn’t get to gamble in California, you’d have to actually spend time with the elderly in your family.
With no Columbus Day, I wouldn’t be on my way to get a Costco pizza, quite possibly the greatest of all pizzas, right now, with my blue-haired girlfriend. She wouldn’t be singing Liza Minnelli, and I wouldn’t be explaining how the reserve light on her gas meter works, again.
I wouldn’t have seen the beach
With rolling waves
& post-brunch strollers
And had a crazy hankering for sea salt in a pumpkin spice caramel latte.
I wouldn’t have wondered if Starbucks even did such a thing
Nor would I have questioned my own sexuality for thinking that…
I would have questioned my sexuality anyway,
because my girlfriend showed me gay porn this morning
Just to see if it did anything for me
But I wouldn’t have seen that gay porn
If it weren’t for Christopher Columbus kind-of-discovering America.
Also, if it weren’t for Columbus and the eventual founding of America, the there wouldn’t have been the widespread persecution of the American LGBT community, and then we wouldn’t have all those lovely parades and street fairs in San Francisco.
…Wait no, they would have been persecuted no matter where they were or who they were living with…
Just like the Native Americans.
Happy Columbus Day.