Lemme just start by saying this: I like you.
You are a cool dude.
For the past several years, you have suffered from crippling self-doubt and self loathing. Not anymore, mother-fucker.
I’m going to be awesome.
By telling myself I’m awesome
and describing just how awesome I am
on the public forum that is the internet.
A little bit about me,
I am dating a girl way younger than me
and she’s a freak.
Totally nailing this being awesome thing.
Also, totally nailing this awesome being/thing.
She’s called my girlfriend.
Don’t be a cunt, EI.
That’s the other thing you need to work on: Not being a cunt.
Sage advice for young men: If you are a cunt, you will get no pussy. After a while you will become isolated, and act like a real vagina.
You’ll also get depressed, eat a lot, get fat and grow boobs. And your parents will be dicks to you
because you’re not making any tennis-star-grandchildren for them.
That last part might have been just me…
Anyway, you worked really hard today. You got a lot done, you wrote up some questions for your upcoming podcast, (COUGH COUGH, not a cross-promotional plug) you shaved your balls for your sex depraved girlfriend and washed out the inside of your uncircumcised penis so that she wouldn’t get “dick lint” in her mouth.
Way to go.
E.I. Wong is a writer and comedian from San Francisco. He’s tall and wears glasses sometimes.